Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I have been feeling like a massive failure for a while and this is plaguing me and not helping me get anywhere- but I may have just had an epiphany and wanted to share and see what you think? And also ask how you deal with feelings of failure?
so basically focusing on positives has not worked for me because clearly there are a lot of issues...
so i started writing all the reasons i am a huge failure accross my scrapbook. I then looked at them more closely
- all listings of past failures, i dismissed. That’s the past and it doesn’t help to feel bad now about those- only useful thing might be to analyse why it went wrong (if it is same kind of failure)
- some points were simply irrelevant or unsubstantiated
- then i realised there were several reasons that are actually valid concerns. So i acknowledged that yes I did fail. No use being all positive and pretending it isn’t that bad when in fact there is a serious issue (in my case repeated burnouts- this time again so bad i am no longer capable of doing my job or much else and am also physically unwell and underweight due to issues with digestion, eating and stress). But I then thought ok. Well I am like an experiment that failed and I need to troubleshoot. Step 1 is acknowledging it went wrong Step 2 - list all possible reasons why and factors that could have contributed Step 3: pick those factors and reasons that seem to have played biggest part and are likely to have biggest impact (or those are easily fixable) and start addressing them. Step 4: try again and see what happens. Step 5: repeat the above until it is working to a satisfactory level...
- i also realised there were some reasons and fears that i could truth check/ - like feeling like a failure because my friends would hate me if they knew how much i am failing and struggling- so i realised i have to start confiding in more people... i also realised having to pretend to be ok all the time Is super exhausting and isolating.
i have no idea if my new idea is going to help me, but I feel like this is one of the most helpful thought processes i have had about my feelings of being a failure. I feel much better acknowledging that yes I failed at things and it’s ok. And there are valid reasons i am feeling this way but i will now try and address those reasons. I also think what helped is that i realised that in past i never properly addressed a lot of issues so past failures do not mean future success is impossible. I hope it is not as I need to learn to cope with life.
i’m curious- how do you deal with feeling like a failure?
I feel like a failure a lot of the time, for a whole bunch of reasons from frequent mistakes in the workplace to the fact I can't work full-time, am not doing an interesting, intellectually-involving job of the kind I wanted, have difficulty fitting in to a community and so on, so I empathise with this.
It's good that you are troubleshooting your feelings and trying to deal with them logically and practically. I am very bad at this! Also confiding in other people.
However, I have to say that I don't think repeated burnouts or eating issues are "failures," at least not in the way you describe. Failure implies that you did something and it didn't work, whereas these are essentially external events that happened to you. I did feel like a failure during the (many, many) years when I was burnt out, but I do feel now that it wasn't really my fault. I tried my best. It's frustrating that that wasn't good enough, but it wasn't my fault.
Yes I think you are right that the guilt and trying to apportion blame is unhelpful but I am always plagued by such feelings.
I do think that most issues are a mixture of external and internal factors... and I want to 1) address internal factors eg.learn to better deal with stress, putting up boundaries etc etc. And 2) figure out what external factors contribute and can I somehow change those/ try to put myself in an environment where I have a chance of succeeding.
I was having all these negative thoughts about failing but I realised I feel better if I acknowledge things went wrong and then do what I can to learn from it...that is the plan at least...
I also think comparing to others is causing a lot of issues- you say that “I feel like a failure...for a whole bunch of reasons from frequent mistakes in the workplace to the fact I can't work full-time, am not doing an interesting, intellectually-involving job of the kind I wanted, have difficulty fitting in to a community and so on” - I feel like we tend to compare ourselves to these socially accepted standards which in fact do not really apply to most people.