What happened to the rest of you?

The typical english politeness is something that I try and do when I am face to face with people, but for me personally it is completely false and I do it because I think I have to do it, and I’m sure I do it wrong and I’m over the top with it. I apologise far too much, I am over the top thanking people, I do what I think is right when someone is having a hard time and respond with ‘Ah no, I’m so sorry…’ but it’s not natural for me. Online it’s different, I have time to think and process my replies and tbh it would make me feel a bit ‘ick’ to do it, and even more false so more often than not I either won’t do it or not reply at all as I don’t want to be insensitive. But that said, if ever I have posted anywhere because I am having a hard time I don’t want sympathy as a reply, it doesn’t help me at all. It doesn’t make me feel better and more often than not it feels like the person doing it is only doing it because they can’t think of anything else to say. 

I must admit I do have reservations about these badges. Should a forum for autistic people be 'rewarding' social 'achievements'? 

An autistic socialite does sound like an oxymoron to me. It does seem somewhat ironic that you, as a self confessed anti-socialite, have received that particular badge of honour. Congratulations anyway, Your Excellency 

My thoughts on why active members are so few in relation to the total membership:

Many of the 80,000 members must be spam bots, signed up to promote their links and the accounts never used again.

Many more are people who ask a question and then never post again, perhaps not fully understanding what the forum is and thinking their question will be answered by NAS directly.

The nature of autistic monotropic thinking means that actively participating here can become a special interest and focus for a period of time. Then people may move on to other things.

The worrying statistics on autistic life expectancy means that some members may sadly have left permanently for reasons beyond their control.

Autistic people often go through life feeling that they don't 'fit in' and that feeling can persist even here. I know I experience it. Ideally this should be a place where autists can unmask and be themselves without any of the societal social expectations and norms. In reality that does not always happen and the earlier post by Zoe is a good explanation of that.

Perhaps most importantly life happens and there is a real world out there!

I find groups of people hard anyway so not sure I could be part of one. It’s great that you all get on, I guess there’s a small part of me that’s kind of jealous, and feel excluded as always. But I also know that I’ve always been better 1:1. Tbh people just don’t seem to like me in general, I constantly see people pairing off, where as I’m spoken to as an acquaintance I can see it isn’t in the same way that those acquaintances that know each other too  talk to each other and do things together. I haven’t worked it out even at my age so suspect it’s far too late for me to learn what I am doing wrong. 

Im glad my post wasn’t taken in the wrong way though :)

we're not here to make achievements, it isn't a game !!

I find whole idea absurd

Though I'm fan of Picasso, so surrealistic appeal to me

can you see the conflict I'm in ?

It's really sad when that happens

:( 

I've seen a lot of lovely people leave here over the years, some say goodbye but others vanish over night without a word. I often think of the ones who have gone. I hope they come back one day x

It comes with ago. I used to be completely blind to it, stomping on every mine in conversation.

It's interesting though, that english autistic don't find excessive politeness an NT thingy,

I think in moderation it's a good thing, like many things. Excessiveness breeds many daemons. E.g. Excesive lawfulness gave birth to inquisition.

"bred-in" was the correct term you were looking for.

When I go fishing for criticism amongst those from other cultures, that indirectness and "politeness" are mentioned a lot and not universally seen as good things...

We need to go careful here, speaking on this topic. Real bomb disposal type careful...

Mariusz said:

inbred

I don't know any other word that would be more appropriate. I ask for forgiveness.

feel comfortable with the falsity of sympathetic replie

It's hard to say if they're false, with autistic I'm more likely to assume they're not.

But fact is that english have it inbred more than other nationalities, The Politeness.

Hence the difference between this and US forum.

I don't do small talk either, or ask how are you, but I'm not english.

I'd rather go straight to the point, or say something 'crazy' as an opening 

E.g. They aask me ''Are you allright?''. and I answer ''Or all left?''

That's is how you address catholic bishop Are you planning on becoming a preacher?

Well I for one am very glad you did choose to post in this thread. It's very interesting what you have to say about the FB group. 

I (of course) wonder why you get a different vibe form this group, presumably both groups are made up of similar people.

Interesting that you find this forum "Cliquey". Genuinely interesting post, exactly what I was hoping for. Thanks.

* edit: FWIW, my "friends" group are either people who I felt some affinity with and so I asked them to be my friend, a good example being someone in my friends list might have specialist car interests the same as I, so they'd get friended so I could see if they want to talk about restoring old Jags, for example. a fair few people have friended me, I never say no, although I might be a bit slow to add them if they haven't posted anything or made any sort of profile, because I don't know why they are "friending" me.

I'm a bit embarrassed actually about the "achievement" to be honest. It does feel a bit "unreal".

I note that there only seem to be 7 of us "socialites" now, meaning that one of them left soon after I joined. As a "coincidence theorist" I find that worthy of note but I'm only going to start worrying if more leave...

That was your ‘best humour’ Award. 

That’s commendably honest of you Zoe. Nice to see a post from you. I’m easily daunted  by cliques as well, but i suppose Ive occasionally become part of one -only ever on neurovergent online subcultures- without thinking of it that way or meaning to exclude. It’s a tricky one.

I went to my Achievements page, and it laughed at me.

I got something the other day because 100 people were good enough to reply to some thread I started. ‘Conversationalist’ badge maybe?

It makes me sad when I realise someone who’s become a familiar voice isnt coming back. Change is part of life I know, but I’m not good with the permanence of goodbyes - or worse, non goodbyes 

I’m part of a small group on a Discord - about thirty on it- and we’ve become much more like friends on there than we were on the bigger forum we largely stepped away from to have more freedom. 

Congratulations.

I wanted to fit in when I first joined this forum, but now I pop in and read more than anything. Unfortunately I don’t feel like I fit in here which is a shame, it feels very cliquey, the same as most places have felt in the ‘real world’ my entire life, which has made life so much more difficult. I don’t really feel like I relate to many of the ‘regulars’ here. Which is interesting as one of the autistic fb groups I have joined (a very large group but seemingly USA based) I relate to the majority of posts I see in there, they feel like ‘my people’. But I’d never post in there, as Facebook has my real name and self employed business attached to my account so I just read what others post. 

So because I don’t feel like I fit in I’m not relaxed enough to be myself, and it actually feels like it brings out the depressive side of me whenever I do post. It feels like more of a NT based forum for some reason.

I’m mainly writing this to be honest, as an insight (from me at least), and to answer the OP questions. It is not meant to cause offence to anyone. Despite many things p:&@ing me off in life which I now know are due to the autism, I do have a sense of humour, but I don’t feel like I can be ‘myself’ in here. 

I don’t do small talk, or feel comfortable with the falsity of sympathetic replies, and I know this should be the social norm (though I do ‘try’ and do this with acquaintances in my life). I’m guessing that’s why I feel like I’m sitting on the side lines, as usual. But I can’t bring myself to do something that feels so alien and pointless (to me at least).  But I can be honest, and I know this isn’t appreciated by many. I just thought it would have been more acceptable here of all places. 

I know i've been looking long and hard trying to find a chat forum. I don't want one with kids talking about Top Of The Pops, or the latest designer closes. I want to chat. But when i've googled and searched for adult chat forum, i get........ No keep your clothes on, not that sort of Adult forum.

Thank you, Sparkly. Not sure how I missed this :/ 

Unrelated but my notifications are temperamental. They work sometimes but I don't think they're working correctly.

Or maybe I just broke the system. Lol.