I have a long history of school refusal as a result of ASD and consequently very bad anxiety which was not recognised soon enough... I was treated as a naughty truant by my school when I was a school refuser. I could not physically bring myself to go to school or lessons most of the time. I did not go to school for most of my secondary school years and have not even went to sixth form. I only have 3 GCSEs. I am almost completely isolated save for my mother who I am overly attached to. Any attempts I have had at making friends only led to frustration because I find people to boring and irritating to stay friends with them, plus I am usually too overbearing for them anyway. I have always wanted to go to law school but whenever I manage to take steps to get better such as studying (inconsistently) and preparing to take some exams, I sabotage it and end up in very nasty depressive episodes. One time I was studying very hard for an exam, I had stayed up all night, and last minute I panicked and physically froze completely in place - I did not go to the exam. I am extremely lonely and hopeless, my treatment at the several mainstream schools I had been to has permanently tarnished my self esteem, I can't stick with anything in part because I don't think I am capable of anything. I have no support system in place. I am 18. I can't make friends because I have no way to meet them but even if I could I would leave them because friendships require too much effort and are boring, so I am stuck being lonely forever. When I was 14 I went to a non mainstream school that helped me at first, but after a while I became depressed/anxious, maybe because I struggle with transitions(?), and yet again I became a school refuser and never went again. I feel like I will never get better because every time I sincerely try to do so I only get worse. I have tried therapy several times but have felt that it's useless - it's too vague, abstract, wish-washy... They can't tell me how they can help me, what they can do for me, they can't be concrete with me at all if that makes sense... Sorry for my rant. Please tell me how I can get better. I would really like to go to university one day. Nobody else can help me so I help someone else here can.
