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Anxiety

John

Hello,

I'm new to this forum.

I have had anxiety since the start of this year and I have been getting headaches every day, sometimes really bad ones.

I think some of my anxiety comes from this because I remember I had a holiday in 2015 with my grandparents and my step grandad thought I was being selfish so when we returned home from holiday, on Sunday 31 May 2015, I sat where my step grandad wanted to sit and he shouted really loud at me, saying I am a selfish brat. I was frightened and crying because it startled me and I am sensitive to loud noises, and I called for Dad. When my step grandad calmed down, he realized how frightened I was, and we apologized to each other, and we became friends again.

However, I was still too frightened of him and he caused a lot of anxiety for me when he shouted at me, and I didn't ever want to see him again just in case he shouted at me again and I wished for me not to see him again.

That did happen and he passed away on 31 Dec 2015 and I was happy about that. Now, this year, I think it is unforgivable for me now that I made that wish and if I told my family, they would all cry and be upset with me. So, I have been suffering since 2015 with this secret. I have never told anyone this.

Now, I partially regret it now and I feel guilty abut my wrongdoing. I'm now having anxiety every day and I have depression about it too. I am frightened of my family knowing what I've done.

Can you help me please?

Thanks,

  • A beautiful and touching story! Thank you for posting this. Good luck in life!



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  • The universe is not sentient, it just is; no thoughts by anyone can have any external effect on anything, unless acted upon physically.

  • I hate to tell you, but sadly, you're not that magical.

    However, it is important to note out thoughts. To note unresolved issues. To note how the universe works, laws of nature and such. It can be true that due to how hypersensitive we are, we may have a more in-tune pulse to the world around. We might have a 'sense' of someone getting divorced and they don't quite know yet. Or a sense of something happening on a seemingly other dimension that suddenly comes to surface. How did I know U2 would be the most famous band in the world? All followers abandoned them after Joshua Tree. The better question still is, how do Autistcs recognise and understand each other. How do Allistics do the same. 

    Biologists have discovered our Olfactory is responsible for who we're attracted to. I have no doubt other senses are collecting packets of information and helping us recognise things around us which are currently unexplainable. Most of the world requires a microscope. 

    You didn't kill him, that's the good news. We all have dark thoughts about things. Some are political systems we're simply picking up and trying to make sense of, some are just being human and fallible. What counts is what we do with the information. And perhaps that's the best take-a-way here. You agreed most likely, with something already in progress. Something nature was reckoning. And? That time will come for all of us. 

    It's OK to be humbled by this but it's not good to allow it to suck the life out of you. You can be honest with your family and find a better way to open up about it if it gives you relief "I had a hard time with him", "he wasn't my cup of tea" - these are real feelings. "I honestly wouldn't want to wish harm on anyone". And that's what I hear you say. 

    Anxiety like this is demanding a sort of Resolution. However, sometimes we need a micro dose of anti-anxiety meds (not antidepressants) to help work though a solution, to help retrain the mind a new perspective so we're not crushed under the old one. Headaches are no joke. I had them for 2 years before my father suggested they might be stress related and my GP said a small dose is better than a stroke. 

    I hope you're able to find resolve. It's crucial for autistics, we can be problem-solvers by nature.