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How to handle self hatred?

NAS79936

So anytime I screw up anything even minor, like I make dinner for me and my wife and she’s like wow this is delicious I love it, all I taste is “I didn’t add enough pepper, too many tomatoes, this could have been pulled a minute early, I suck I am terrible, I’m not a good cook, I’m the worst in the world”

That’s just an example but it’s like that for pretty much everything, how do I stop this? Especially when I upset my wife by doing something on accident, I know she isn’t angry or mad at me, but I know I screwed up and hate myself for even days after I feel like I’m a failure. I don’t talk about it or how I feel that way with her because I don’t want to keep her from feeling like she can talk with me about her emotions. Because if every time she was upset I talked about how upset I was and felt like a failure well that’s clearly not healthy for a relationship. I seemly take and feel responsibility for any and all inconveniences that occur to my loved ones and always think about how I could have done better or prevented a negative outcome and how if I was just a better person I could make things great. It’s like being 99% on all the time isn’t good enough I need to be perfect.

How do I stop being like this? Feeling responsibly for everyone’s happiness and well being even when something is outside of my control? I’m constantly over sympathizing (or empathizing?) for everyone in my life. I keep a lot of it to myself because I feel like it would be annoying but it tears me apart inside. And so much I feel like if I wasn’t around anymore I wouldn’t be responsible for it all and I wouldn’t feel this way all the time and I wouldn’t be around to possibly let anyone I love down.

  • I feel like I could have written parts of this post myself to be honest, so I completely understand where you are coming from. I can entirely identify with the idea of feeling responsible for those around me and being hard on myself when I can’t fix a problem, but I also feel that the other posters who have responded so far have hit the nail on the head. It’s hard, but I am working on looking after myself and being the best version of me that I can be and I’ve found that is far more effective than focusing on those around me all the time. The reason being, if I’ve looked after myself, then I’m going to be far more effective at looking after those around me and I’ll be in a better place to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not there yet, but I’m working on it. I also think that I’ve started to see that people other than myself say things accurately, so when someone like my wife states that I am doing okay or that something was out of my control, I do my best to take that on face value as I have the tendency to overthink it if given the chance. Working on this has given me moments of relief, because I don’t alway jump to the conclusion that I could have somehow prevented an instance that had gone wrong, where before I would have and done so in a very harsh way towards myself. 

    Taking stock of a situation, taking time to navigate a problem and an open dialogue that I’m willing to listen to have all helped immensely in moment like this. I hope they will continue to do so far here on out, but it is a real discipline I’m finding.

  • You simply have high expectations for yourself, and low self esteem. Both can be improved with therapy. If someone says something, they usually mean it. You need not question it, just accept it and move on. That’s how I started to help myself. I might not always believe what people say, nor agree, but I will accept it. Sometimes good enough is good enough, not everything has to be prefect. Who is perfect that you know? Because I’m sure they will pipe up and tell you something about how they feel  and you would be surprised.

    Pretend to be your wife. What would she say about you if she was describing you? I bet it would be all praise and compliments, because she’s happy with you. You are enough for her. If you weren’t, she’d leave, wouldn’t she? 

  • I tend to take on more responsibility than is necessary. 

    One thing that's helped is being mindful that I don't have a system - life can feel very out of control and out of 'order'. I do things different every time. And if I don't pause, collect where I'm at in a moment and just focus on the task at hand, I'll need to re-do it or I'll do it incorrectly. There's just too much in my head at any given point. I also need to finish one task then move on to the next. I make lists, I set goals, I have things I like to 'gift' myself, like a clean kitchen in the morning, so I enjoy tidying up at night. Nothing better than a blank slate to create with.

    Sometimes our methods and 'madness' cannot be addressed where we're at. We need to redesign how we go about a thing ground up. Which basically means incorporating new habits/disciplines. I'd buy two new notebooks. One for problems and one to start working through solutions. Never tear pages out. Cross out problems when you've reached a solution. 

    Learning to problem solve our very Perceptions of the world is interesting. What is happiness? Why do I feel responsible for another's. Is this reasonable, or is it adding pressure to them? Is it a misdiagnosis or misidentification of something else. Having a desire to act loving toward and with someone I'm committed to generates a positive outcome. Where does it cross the line to controlling the other? 

    The other issue here is accepting your inner perfectionist and helping yourself laugh through this "this is not perfect, congratulations, you're human". In other words, no one died and made you G-d. Even if you don't believe in a Deity of sorts, there is something attractive in some to shouldering the weight of the world. There is something one gets from it, especially if the world feels out of control. It may mean making a conscious effort to fail, role-playing with failure and hunting for irony. But more important, it's time to let your wife into this whole Walter Mitty Secret life of yours.

    We are hyper-critical by nature. We sense danger. We see the holes in theories. The autistic mind IS analytical. It's brilliant. But we have to be very conscious we don't use it to limit, cage, reject or criticise others - including our own wonderful being. Begin to see the difference between this inner Perfectionist Critic and who you genuinely are as a wonderful and potential human. I would expose this dilemma to your wife and ask for help just being loved. Failing well. Doing nothing. Aside from the historically misuse of religion, it was a way to help our tribes stop for a minute and recognise life beyond themselves. It's a way of transforming a very human and fractured self into something integrated and grounded through awe and a sense of wonder. Force yourself to care for you and you will care much better for everyone around you.