Played for a fool?

Thank you for your response Catlover. You have made several valid points.

As you quite rightly say, we Autists just like to know where we stand. Had this person said, "I can't do this because I'm feeling..." I would have understood. More often than not, I felt like I was being left to come up with my own theories as to what was going on.

In all honesty, I don't think I would have been able to tolerate this person's alcohol/medication abuse long-term. Having previously been in a relationship with a man who had developed a dependency on alcohol (who eventually sought professional help), I know that unless a person with an addiction admits it to themselves and wants help to rid themselves of that addiction, their addiction will continue.

I distinctly remember one particular occasion when I had attempted to explain my concerns about the potential damage they were doing to themselves. Their response was, "Who cares!" Out of frustration, I snapped and said, "Well clearly not you!" They had ended up being quite unwell. As they had told me about some of the medications they were regularly prescribed, I had done my own research about the effects of combining them with alcohol. What I had read suggested this person needed urgent medical intervention. They had told me that they would most likely get told it was self-inflicted and to stop wasting NHS time. From my perspective, I felt their reluctance to seek medical help had more to do with the fact it would force them into having to admit to their addiction, which might potentially result in some of their medication being more strictly controlled, or withdrawn completely. Anyway, the following day I awoke having a panic attack. My first thought was about this person... What if they had played Russian Roulette with their life one too many times, and they were dead? I couldn't relax until I'd had word from them that they were OK.

I’m an outsider. and my Immediate thought is that this person is obvious mentally unstable, with or without drink or drugs. He never has had any intention on meeting you, this is evident, with the countless lies and ‘problems ‘ cropping up. Regardless if their own situation, if they aren’t ready to have friends or meet up, or call or whatever, they shouldn’t be messing anyone around.

Being Autistic brings its own problems with friendships, but being honest, and saying I’m sorry I can’t do this or that because I’m too anxious, or scared, or unsure. We would appreciate truths rather than lies, as I’m sure you’d agree. 
I’m quite glad to hear that your son intervened. I feel he was right to do this. Gut instinct is good. I won’t suggest what you should or shouldn’t do now, but I feel that there’s only more upset in the cards where this individual concerned. To be frank, do you have the emotional strength to feel like this on a regular basis, and put up with the substance abuse that is happening? He’s in no place to stop, this is obvious. It’s still a very big crutch for him to try and forget his problems.

I am merely thinking aloud here...

It had been the evening of 28th May when this person had texted me to say they were trying to push me away to help me. That was the last I'd heard from them until I caved in on 2nd June and sent them a text message asking how they were, which they responded to the following day. Whilst I will obviously never know now, I'm inclined to think that if I hadn't been the one to initiate contact with them, I probably wouldn't have heard anything from them again.

When things had been good (and also not-so-good) between us previously, we had been contacting each other in one form or another most days. After contact was resumed at the beginning of June, I had mostly felt that I was being held at arm's length. When I received their initial apologetic e-mail on 14th June (saying they liked me too much to push me away), it had come across to me as thoroughly sincere and genuine. However, when I then received a collection of e-mails approximately an hour later (stating they would be visiting on the 17th), I increasingly found myself wondering if they were getting wasted (again).

Their plan had been to visit during the evening, and for us to talk over a bottle or two of wine. As this person lived 100+ miles away, I had told them that I personally felt it better if we stuck to drinking coffee or water. The last thing I wanted was for this person to be over the legal limit when they later got behind the wheel of their car to drive home. They did not seem to take kindly to this and I was told I needed to trust them.

As stated in my original post, I'd already had an inkling that their visit on 17th June wouldn't be happening, especially after they had sent me a series of strange e-mails during the early hours of that morning. Something told me that if they had been genuine about visiting, they would not have allowed themselves to get wasted less than 24 hours before a long-distance drive.

When they had then e-mailed on 18th June, they had started off by saying that they wanted to send me a sober e-mail before they "hit oblivion". As this person seemed to be making a habit of getting wasted on a fairly regular basis, it had made it even harder for me to feel convinced they were being genuine when they had then said they would visit on Monday 20th June.

Maybe their heart was in the right place when they announced their plans, but I just couldn't rely on them to carry them out. I had been let down too many times and I was running out of patience.

In the event that this person meets someone else, I just hope that they can manage to sort themselves out first. Even if it hadn't been their intention to give me the run-around, that is certainly what it had felt like to me. I would hate for someone else to end up on the receiving end of what I had experienced.

Again, thank you for your reply Shardovan, and no need for the apology.

My emotions have been all over the place. Previously I'd had bouts of thinking, "That's it, I've had enough!", but then I'd cave in because I genuinely believed there was something worth exploring. The situation now is that they appear to have completely ghosted me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that.

There was a time when I would have defended their behaviour, but now I find myself agreeing with people that had warned me to be careful... They thought he sounded dangerous, unreliable, unpredictable, a bully, etc. I ignored what my own instincts were telling me because I didn't want to accept that maybe I was being played.

I feel that the hope I had been clinging on to has evaporated, and now I've been left to pick up the pieces and try to get over the hurt.

You weren't talking rubbish. You were expressing what you were thinking, and I appreciate that.

Im sorry for misrepresenting how youre truly feeling: its just thst your ‘thing of the past’ sounded like you drawing a firm line and saying ‘enough!’ - but of course its much more that theyve stonewalled and thats incredibly hurtful without at least the compassion of mature closure. Your feelings matter just as much as theirs and the expletives seem well deserved. And yet, i know that even my saying that will make you feel reflexively defensive on their behalf. Its how i feel about a certain someone too. Because how do you stop caring about someone so troubled who was, and is, that rarest of  things - a truly kindred spirit in the most profound of connections - even when the cold equation of ‘this treatment requires this response ’ (a very NT way to think I'm increasingly  realising) is put in front you in a hard-to-dispute and yet all too reductive manner? I suppose we’d rather continue to hurt deeply, nurturing a microscopic fragment  of hope (for their sake and ours), than coldly draw a line and make dignity, pride  (those most irrationally over-valued of  priorities) the exclusive concerns going forward. 

Or maybe im talking stream of consciousness rubbish at this point and should let someone more rational bring more practical and consoling words to the table. 

Please don't apologise for talking about your stuff Shardovan. I know there are quite a few of us who have found ourselves in similar situations, and I think it can be helpful to know that we are not alone and that there are people who understand.

I must confess that I couldn't help but laugh at the comment you had made about my strength and being dignified and radically accepting. 'Strong' is definitely not how I consider myself to be feeling. I feel 'weak and pathetic' would be a more accurate description. Away from my computer, there have been moments when my language has been somewhat colourful to say the least... "What an absolute [BLEEP], how could he treat me that way!" As for accepting, I don't feel I have any choice now but to accept that he wants nothing more to do with me, and try to move on with my life.

If I don't learn to move on, I fear I'll run the risk of becoming very bitter, and that's not the kind of person I wish to be. Yes, I'm feeling full of self-pity and anger at the moment, but in time I hope I can let go of those negative emotions.

Im struggling with exactly the same thing. The parallels are striking, and like you I’m fighting hard  not to become completely cynical about everything. Some days I lose that battle completely. I was never like it before - maybe it was time to grow up. But there was such kindness to begin with, such compassion and empathy and generosity that i  know must still be in them.  And their complexity is who they are - who I adored unreservedly.  And so  I tortured myself with what allowed the seed of distrust to creep in - sometimes the phrasing of a sentence was enough. Eventually i was gaslighting myself, apologising for things like phrasing an innocuous sentence in a way that seemingly allowed for an interpretation i just couldn’t have seem coming. I know what you mean about  getting into just as paranoid a state, though i think i could gave built up immunity to that if things had been given more of a chance. My learning curve was slow despite my best efforts  and it still causes me a lot of shame that my most open-book, honest, gentlest self wasnt enough to overcome the projected shadow i began to hold more and more. 

Anyway, sorry to go on about my stuff, but maybe it helps a little to know that  you are not alone and that at least one person on here knows how devastated you feel now, and may do for some considerable time to come. Please don’t lose yourself over this, as I fear I have. In my case, I would step into the fire again tomorrow. For that person, and only them. I’d so value ‘just’ the most tentative of resumed friendships even. They are worth  a million times over the tortuous faint embers of hope, but I know it’s hoping in vain for an unlikely ‘second chance’. Im not sure if I could ever find your strength to be so rational and dignified and radically accepting about how things now stand -  and truthfully,  it scares me that I one day might. 

Thank you for your reply Shardovan.

Occasional ongoing contact is now past tense. I feel that if this person had any desire to contact me, they would have done so by now. They had made it clear that they didn't do second chances because they had self-respect. They had also said they didn't tolerate fools. I could be mistaken, but I think they were implying that they considered me a fool and that they felt I'd blown the only chance they were prepared to give me. Their final text message had ended with, "Don't talk to me then" and their final e-mail had ended with, "That's it".

Before all this had started, I had considered myself to be fairly rational and level-headed. However, towards the end, I found that I was becoming increasingly suspicious, confrontational, and perhaps equally as paranoid as him.

Unfortunately, I feel the whole experience has resulted in denting my confidence and made me more cynical.

Im so sorry to hear you’re still going through the wringer over this, Sparkly. Its so upsetting to be the one always giving the benefit  of the doubt on authenticity when your own is, out of the blue (and seemingly intermittently) not being taken on trust. Ive been in that same situation not so long ago and every day it brings me very low, and the anxiety spikes are constant. Its made me question everything about how i come across because openness and total honesty (and therefore deep connection and vulnerability) came so naturally with this amazing  person (Im honest in general, but I was certainly able to be  less guarded with this person - which was incredible) and I wouldn’t have  dreamed of being otherwise, that for them to start insinuating that I had very dark and sinister intentions came as a massive shock. It sounds like youre holding the shadow of this guy’s past trauma and that’s a terrible and unearned burden to carry, even though they have less control over it (without help) than im sure they would like. And must know on some level how unfair it is. Fear (paranoia, delusion, cognitive distortion ) rather than cruelty must be the reason - they wouldn’t be battling so hard to come through for you ;(and this far failing) if it wasn’t .   

At least it seems you have occasional ongoing contact. I wish i could say the same. I really hope that some future meeting really can cement trust for you both. While its true that none of us truly knows who’s behind a keyboard (if we’ve never known that person  in the ‘real’ world… and even then…), true compassion and integrity tend to be self-evident over time.  And must have been, to your person, in the first place. As they were to my person before events blindsided me in ways i still cant begin to fully make sense of. Life is very hard, and I’m sorry someone you care do much about isnt managing a better job of not putting you through such torture. 

Glad youve got your son looking out for you, he seems to have handled things very gracefully, as have you. Take care.