Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve hardly talked to a MH pro about the bullying I was subjected to as a teenager, and the less obvious nastiness at prep school. Yesterday I told my care coordinator(she’s also my depot nurse) it was a major factor re my developing SMI.She asked if it still affected me.I said ‘yes’ . She mentioned trauma. She was visibly shocked when I mentioned being described by other prep school boys as the ‘missing link between man and ape’.The last meal at prep school when someone knowing there’d be no repercussions put tobacco in my cup of tea,so I was violently sick; the monkey chants at public school aimed at me by a classroomful of other boys.
My self confidence/self esteem/sense of self worth is gossamer thin/very brittle. I can get 9 positive comments and the negative 10th one will cut like a rusty knife causing great inner pain. It’s the one I’ll fixate on.
Not great what goes on, but see that you are the better person and hold onto that. You can choose to be not affected by the past or present, you can only build self-confidence/esteem/worth by being OK who with who you are, and exploring yourself, developing yourself. Talking here or elsewhere is good and vital, you could write about your experiences in a blog or on social media, and follow role models that have/might have experienced what you have. Start building the person you want to be, that does more good than any therapy or medication. .
Bullying can cause a lot of problems which last and affect us all our lives. I was bullied at school for my interest in Witchcraft and because I was quiet and didn't mix with others. I struggled with the work as well and teachers were horrible at times as well. It led to a lot of problems which still affect me now. Fear and partial hatred of people who aren't Autistic. And nightmares, lots of nightmares about the times I was bullied which was verbal and physical in nature. You're right it shatters your self confidence in an instant and I've found its hard to get back.
I hope the professional can help you. I saw them for a few years but they made matters a lot worse for me.