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Wife with anxiety and NT child

NAS79899

My wife has aspergers and has always had severe anxiety in certain situations. One of these being our 4 year old and his whining / tantruming to which he knows works. 

She is really struggling to find anything or anyone that can help, hence why I am on here. 

She has a rare insomnia that is medication controlled and working well. This took years to get right. GP's are scared to touch any of her anxiety meds in case it affects the sleep which landed her in hospital many times. I do feel it needs a review but wouldn't dare unbalance the sleep either.

However the anxiety stops her from loving our son and the slightest whimper can send her over the edge in screaming things like 'get him away from me now'. He just doesn't understand but knows it works in getting what he wants from her. I get him into nursery as much as possible and take him out as much as possible at weekends but she still can't cope.

She blames me for not helping enough and hand on heart I try my best. I constantly reassure but feel broken from the constant heightened emotion that I try to change the subject or don't show enough reaction.

We have tried several private therapists, 1 became a friend and just a chat the other straight to the point, which my wife did not like as it was borderline rude. 

So really any help or ideas would be massively appreciated as I really don't know what to do for the best. 

  • From my own experiences with sensory/autism/anxiety I would suggest that identifying the cause of your Wife's reaction is key. Is it sensory stress caused by the crying/whining etc or is emotional panic about the need to identify and meet your son's needs. 

    Of course it may be both, I have chosen not to be a parent because I struggle with both these areas, I cannot bear crying children and struggle enough with the day to day emotional needs of relationships with adults. 

    One thing I have found common in many neuro-diverse people, which I share myself, is that to make up for my lack of emotional competency, I desperately try to make everyone happy, immediately. For example, I fail to be emotionally supportive to my partner, so I try to keep the house clean, do the cooking etc. 

    Perhaps it is a drive like this, to understand and deliver on your sons needs which are heightening your wife's anxiety?

  • I’m so sorry this sounds awful for all three of you. It sounds like your wife definitely needs more support from somewhere. Is someone able to help out looking after your son sometimes to give your wife some time on her own? Children are so incredibly sensitive so I worry that your son is going to suffer emotionally if his mum is reacting to him like this. Can your GP point you in the direction of any local parent support services or charities that help parents to cope? 

  • in reply to Dawn

    Hi Dawn, 

    Thank you very much for your message. I have messaged the CMHT again so let's see if they do anything this time. From my perception, I don't believe he is on the spectrum. I think he knows that the winging can get him his own way in the same way that when I say no to something he will then ask my wife. Part of it is as you say craving a bit more attention from her. 

    She was promised a health visitor to assist, but that never materialised 'due to covid'. Have also messaged some private therapists but she is very pesimistic towards talking therapies but in the right hands I'm sure it could help. 

    Thank you again. 

    Daniel

  • Oh boy sadly, I don't have advice. Something about dealing with a child is setting off her sensory issues. For her sake as well as your kid's, who must just want his mummy's love, some one needs to intervene and work with both of them. 

    It's got to be a rough deal for you in the middle. Do watch for this though: are his tantrums because his wants mummy's attention? Or is he also on the Spectrum and they are really meltdowns. The answer to that might be key to his future well being.