Mental torture

I haven't read the replies yet so I'm sorry if I happen to say something that someone has already said, but I wanted to comment what I feel on this...

Personally I've been in and out of jobs since I left school. I've had bad jobs, good jobs, jobs that I didn't even expect to get with my background etc and I've had long spells without jobs too. I'm almost 44.

Now I'm a very spiritual person anyway, have always felt it since childhood and these last couple of years when the lockdowns hit and lots got really heavy and hard to deal with, I delved in more.

One thing that I feel I have always kinda known but am still learning to deconstruct years of programming from in my brain, is that we are not the things we do for work. Status, jobs, financial success and all of those things are just a false worth that society has created over time and things like the media and the system keep pushing in order to make us want things, compete against each other and be a slave to the system.

Now I'm not saying don't work because I also still would love to find something that I believe in and I feel is a purpose which speaks to me. Something which I feel makes a difference in the world. All my years of struggles aside from what I now know has been ASC combined with other things has been down to never figuring out what I really want to do. So I've had many jobs that were just because "it's what people do" or to pay the bills or to try to fit in with other people yet again and I always find I manage so long then struggle hard and come off with ill health or leave for some reason. I really want to find something that I genuinely enjoy and feel some sort of passion for, because with all this I simply cannot manage forcing myself to work in something that I have no passion for and don't believe in at all just to scrape by.

My overall point though is even though sometimes I still struggle myself and feel like I should be doing better by this age and sometimes I fall into the trap of looking at what others have done in their lives etc, I know deep down that my worth is NOT defined by a job or career and neither should yours be.

We aren't only here to work. The miracle of life itself was not designed just so you can jump on a treadmill all your life and what you did for work defines whether you were a good person or not. There's many people with great jobs who are horrible people (obviously not all but just making that point too.)

You may feel you know this and I'm going down the wrong track. But overall I just wanted to remind you that there's many things we do in life (and lots of little interactions we have with people which are massively important that we don't even realise) that are much more important and worthwhile than just doing a job.

You are not useless. And you're raising a child too. There are parents out there working all hours trying to make money or making too much money because their priorities are all wrong and the child never sees the parents. Being there for a child is way more important than doing a job and will feel more worthwhile in future if you can let yourself feel it and try not to judge yourself. You're also no doubt doing your best with what life has given you and you shouldn't brush that under the carpet because your mind tells you that you're failing. It's not true. I bet when your child grows up it will mean the world to them you were there rather than never having time to have a relationship with them.

I hope this doesn't come off wrong or anything, but that's how I feel. Believe me I still understand and sometimes have to battle my mind on my self worth too...but in my gut I know that's the truth. It's just society and people in power want us to completely define ourselves by what we do for work and it's simply bull.

I often wonder why neurotypicals assume they are the pinnacle of nature and then i remember that weaker entities often band together for strength. I have always been deeply emotional. Poetic and attached deeply to my childs emotional wellbeing. Nobody aroind me seems to get any of it cept drinking. Talking about work or some slagging off or zfactor blah blah...i fins it mind numbingly mundane. My self worth doea not exist i know im broken and have managed to forge a shell of love around my child based on a life where i keep the world out. Truth be told i care little anymore ive become jaded. I am lucky to be able to write poetry in moments that portray deeper meaning than most ever feel...i pity those shackled to their servitude. 

I often wonder why neurotypicals assume they are the pinnacle of nature and then i remember that weaker entities often band together for strength. I have always been deeply emotional. Poetic and attached deeply to my childs emotional wellbeing. Nobody aroind me seems to get any of it cept drinking. Talking about work or some slagging off or zfactor blah blah...i fins it mind numbingly mundane. My self worth doea not exist i know im broken and have managed to forge a shell of love around my child based on a life where i keep the world out. Truth be told i care little anymore ive become jaded. I am lucky to be able to write poetry in moments that portray deeper meaning than most ever feel...i pity those shackled to their servitude.