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I am tired & sad!!!!

NAS78984

Hi 

I just need a place to vent. So I’m a single childless woman in my 40s who moved in with my mother to care for her, which meant leaving behind my community of friends several states away. In addition to having dementia, my mom is also a narcissist. Since relocating to my mother’s, I’ve been busy managing her care while also trying to set up a life for myself: searching for jobs, trying to find social groups to join, trying to get enough exercise to support my mental & physical health. I hate being unemployed, I feel like such a loser, and it’s so draining to spend every day hunting for & applying for jobs. Anyhow. Friday was my birthday. I told myself I could have the day off from job searching and exercise and all the “to-do’s” I assign myself. I didn’t have any plans and I don’t have any friends here to celebrate with, but I at least wanted to be gentle and kind with myself. Of course my mother forgot my birthday. And I reminded her. And she went out to the drugstore and got me a Hallmark card and a bag of shitty chocolates. I know I shouldn’t have expected anything but it still made me so sad. I’ve sacrificed so much for her and I’m so lonely and have no idea what the hell I’m doing w my life other than caring for a thankless old lady and a dog. I ended up going for a hike on my birthday. It was fine. But when I pulled into the driveway of my mom’s house, I just sat in my car…contemplating what the point of it all is. Telling myself I did not want another birthday like this next year. Feeling just pretty hopeless and tired. Thought about not going on. I have a therapist who I see weekly, thank god for that. But otherwise I am completely alone, despite my efforts to meet people. There is no other family involved in my mom’s care. It’s just on me. I thought I’d reach out here because I’m sure at least some of you can relate. I’m sorry for such a long post.

Thanks for reading.

  • in reply to Sporadic Sparkly

    I love this idea - that’s brilliant. I always find the pressure to ‘have a great day’ really stressful! 

  • If possible try to talk to your friends online. I think you're sacrificing so much time and energy, and doing many things to try to get your life in order, while also helping someone who is a cause of stress in your life, but you're not receiving much support in return from anyone.

    You are really looking for close relationships that are meaningful (friends, partner, just someone there for you) and you're not getting anyone and feel very lonely. I've realized that desperation will drive people away from you (I mean it's true for myself too), and at job interviews and around friends or other people, desperation will just make people avoid me. So I learned that if I wanted have good and supportive people come into my life, I had to be positive, because positivity attracts, and negativity repels. I hope that you get people who will support you in your life.

  • in reply to TARDISSTEVE

    Hi,

    Sad to read your post, hope things better for you.

    My Mum and I were never very close when i was young. I wonder sometimes, if i was  autistic i wonder is that why i felt i could never talk to her ? But when i was in my 20s, my Mum had a brain haemoeage, they said she was lucky to live. But it was after that we seemed to get closer, 'cos she needed looking after. My Sister was nowhere to be seen, she'd only turn up when she wanted money. So it was me that looked after my Mum.  So with work and then more work at home, my whole life just passed by.

    My mum died 15yrs ago, and through ill health 10yes ago i had to finish work. And it seemed almost overnight i realised my life had come and gone. Last week i was 69, and i sat here without a single card or phone call.  So can really feel for how you must be feeling.......... Why Bother ? Why did i stay here to look after my Mum ? My Sister went off and built a life of her own. Now she's gor the money, she never came to help with my Mum, so there is no way i can ask her for any help.

    Hope things work out for you

    Bill

  • My mum also has dementia and so I understand how difficult that can be. Are you in the US? Have you tried phoning a charity for help and advice? The Alzheimer's Association are based in the US, their phone number is 800.272.3900. They sound similar to Dementia UK, who were wonderfully helpful and supportive when I spoke to them a few months ago. You could give them a call?

  • I helped look after my bipolar mother for over a decade  it was exausting so I understand

    I'm unemployed too which I hate too, gotta start searching again soon but it is draining

    Mum was never interested in my birthday thankfully I had dad but he's gone too now

  • There is absolutely no need to apologise in this forum for venting, or for writing a long post.

    It does seem that you have found yourself in an anxiety-inducing situation, so am sending you virtual hugs. I appreciate that leaving your old life behind to care for your mother must be extremely stressful, especially as you're having to do it single-handedly.

    I am in my late 40s and have found that the majority of my birthdays have never quite gone to plan, so I offer you my sympathies that your birthday didn't go as well as you would have liked. In my case, I think I have a tendency to set my expectations too high. After my last birthday (I also didn't receive a card from my mother, although I wasn't particularly bothered), I vowed that I would treat future birthdays as just another day. Should people choose to send me cards or buy me gifts, I will consider it an unexpected bonus. By having zero expectations, it will hopefully prevent me from feeling disappointed, disillusioned, and despondent.