Published on 12, July, 2020
I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago aged 35. Currently I am really struggling to cope with existing. I am probably described as low functioning. The very basics, such as making food for myself, overwhelms me. I need a lot of care from my partner and he runs the house.
I used to be good at some things, especially after understanding my diagnosis. I could focus on something and steamroll through it. Projects. I’d get good ideas and I’m a perfectionist so could execute them well. But now I am nothing but distracted, disjointed, and feel pressure on me from all sides which is uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable to be awake. I don’t know who I am. I struggle to leave the bed, let alone the room.
My diagnostic team gave me good care and a follow up appointment, but say they cannot help me any further. I don’t know where to go for help on how to live as myself and how to not be in mental pain every day. I just don’t feel like I should exist. Everything is wrong and I’m screaming inside.
I have been turned down for an ADHD assessment after my diagnostic team referred me due to scoring very high on the preliminary test. I feel like the symptoms I struggle with in the moment are ones linked to ADHD rather than autism. But no one will help me. I’m making my family sad by slowly declining more each week it seems.
Who will help adults with autism? I need help with overcoming food issues as well. I struggle to eat balanced food or eat at all sometimes. And just eat chocolate. I am so lost and know I can’t kill myself because I have children. Who can help me? I don’t have a regular GP and our appointments are done via email.
When I feel like you just expressed, I tell myself two things.
1. I've been here before, it always passes after a while, I know it can be endured.
2. I also tell myself that NO, no one is coming to help me, I need to snap out of this and get on with things myself! I find a small target and just go for it. anything to start establishing a pattern of doing constructive or joyful things again.
You KNOW you can do some stuff better than the others, and although most of it seems useless and unwanted, sometimes being you can "save the day".
I've started forgiving myself for my useless days, but acknowledging them as well. Seeing them pile up makes me want to do something about it. and that saying life begins at forty? It's true, all you have to do is get there... (I'm not saying what sort of life begins at forty, as for me it took another couple of decades to wangle a bit of happiness and contentment, but I'm glad I stuck at it)
If no one comes and rescues me I'm doomed, I'll just die
Thank you so much for your kind and very wise words I Sperg
I really like these ideas you’ve suggested - they are very positive and encouraging. What you’ve said is really helpful to me - thank you. It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed and lose hope - but you’re right - it’s important to make a start and do something positive - even if it’s the tiniest step forward. Light on the horizon - that’s what I’m looking for (imagining myself with massive monocular searching the skyline…..).