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Binge Eating Relapse

NAS66392

I am on the autism spectrum and have been dealing with a binge eating disorder for six years. I had started to get help for it in 2020 but I have started to relapse and gain weight. My parents are so upset with me because I didn’t tell them until I couldn’t hide the weight gain anymore and they’re saying that the lying to them about it is destroying them and is abusing them.

I am ashamed to the point where I feel sick, I don’t wanna eat again and I feel like it would be better for them if I’m not on the planet. I look for emotional release in self harm and I like binge eating out of all the forms of self harm as it gets rid of the bad voices in my head. I’ve broken the trust and I know I’m not getting it back.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m toxic to them. I had my last day at my horticulture project where everyone was so lovely to me and wishing me luck for my new job, and all I can think about is why are they being nice to me I don’t deserve it. I’ve been isolating myself from them, self harming via binge eating in front of them and sometimes have been too snappy when delivering instructions for work when I should not have been.

I’m just so toxic and I want to stop putting people through hell, but I don’t know what to do. And I already felt like a burden before I got caught out for binge eating again.

Parents

  • Firstly, might I echo Desmond loud and clear: YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME and you have nothing to be ashamed of. 

    So, you've got a food issue. Many of us have; swinging between under or over eating. Whether that's purely to do with your sensory issues or something psychological, or a bit of both...it's got nothing to do with you being deserving or not, being a nice person or not, or being trustworthy or not.

    Binge eating says absolutely nothing about you other than food is clearly problematic for you.

    The people on your course were nice to you because they found something likeable in you. It's that simple, honest.

    I am so sorry that the eating had got you in that emotional state and I hope for the sake of your physical health you can find a more balanced relationship to food, but fat or thin, midnight snacking or not, none of this reflects negatively on your character.

    Moreover none of this can logically be a burden to others. It's not like smoking where others would be breathing in second hand smoke, or drinking where others would have to put up with you drunk. The only impact binge eating can have is to you in as much as it's not good for you physically.

    So, never mind what others think. Never mind what you think they think (they probably aren't), just focus on the things that will get you fit so you can enjoy life.

    What I would be a tad more concerned about is what you say about 'voices in your head'. If you mean an internal dialogue with yourself...you need that to be less critical. If you mean literal voices...that's more worrying and needs some outside help.

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  • Firstly, might I echo Desmond loud and clear: YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME and you have nothing to be ashamed of. 

    So, you've got a food issue. Many of us have; swinging between under or over eating. Whether that's purely to do with your sensory issues or something psychological, or a bit of both...it's got nothing to do with you being deserving or not, being a nice person or not, or being trustworthy or not.

    Binge eating says absolutely nothing about you other than food is clearly problematic for you.

    The people on your course were nice to you because they found something likeable in you. It's that simple, honest.

    I am so sorry that the eating had got you in that emotional state and I hope for the sake of your physical health you can find a more balanced relationship to food, but fat or thin, midnight snacking or not, none of this reflects negatively on your character.

    Moreover none of this can logically be a burden to others. It's not like smoking where others would be breathing in second hand smoke, or drinking where others would have to put up with you drunk. The only impact binge eating can have is to you in as much as it's not good for you physically.

    So, never mind what others think. Never mind what you think they think (they probably aren't), just focus on the things that will get you fit so you can enjoy life.

    What I would be a tad more concerned about is what you say about 'voices in your head'. If you mean an internal dialogue with yourself...you need that to be less critical. If you mean literal voices...that's more worrying and needs some outside help.

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