Binge Eating Relapse

I suffer from BED and self-injury too and your experiences are so relatable. I think one thing that helped me to recover was accepting that it wasn't something that was in my control at the time - it's like any other eating disorder. It's such an isolating illness, but this is simply a symptom of the disorder and not a reflection on who you are as a person. When I was deep into my eating disorder I acted completely out of character, hurting a lot of people around me because the urges are so powerful.

You are worthy of empathy and help and you're not a toxic person, or a burden to anybody. There were so many times where I thought there was absolutely zero possibility of me recovering from my eating disorder - reaching out for help/therapy is the first step in recovery.

Actually I forgot to mention, what can also lead to binging for me is not letting myself have what I crave immediately. Eg. let's say I want some leftover pasta . But for some reason instead of eating the pasta I eat a dessert, or a piece of fruit or some biscuits. I often find that I end up still not satisfied and then keep eating... until I eat the thing I wanted originally. I realised cutting the chase can really simplify my life. 

I am sorry that you are struggling. First of all, you have not done anything wrong. 

In case it is helpful I can share some of my own experiences with eating issues, including binge eating. I tend more towards restriction (cutting out foods for fear of digestive issues, labelling foods, getting stuck in rigid rules/routines etc), however I have at times struggled a lot with binging as welll.  

I have also used binging as a way of "self-punishment"/self-harm. I am really sorry you are going through this. You deserve to feel good. 

I am sure you already have already learnt coping skills to manage the binge eating and know some of your patterns and there is really no one size fits all in terms of eating issues. Here are some of the things that I have realised and tried with respect to my struggles with binging, in case any of it is helpful. 

I have come to realise that binging can result for a various reasons or combination of these for me: self-harm/self-punishment, a physiological response to undereating/having too long gaps between meals and being over hungry, a result of restriction and rigidity with eating (eg. labelling foods as "right" or "wrong" , food rules etc), out of stress (or other strong emotions) and/or misreading body signals. 

So in general making sure I have regular meals/snacks is always helpful in terms of preventing binging. This didn't come naturally to me at first as I struggle with recognising physical hunger cues. One useful trick that I recently found if you are struggling to recognise physical hunger is the concept of mental hunger. If I am thinking about a certain food/ food/ eating in general, it can be a sign that I am actually hungry. In the past I have used timers to remind myself to eat (though I have moved away from it- too risky/tempting for this to result in rigidity and more rules). 

Binging as a result of restriction. The restriction could be quite subtle or subconcious eg. not allowing myself to have certain foods with the frequency/quantity that I want, labelling  foods as "right" and "wrong" or "healthy" , "unhealthy", trying to stop myself from eating in a certain way etc. This kind of restriction can make me feel deprived (subconciously) and sets me up for binging. I have still not managed to get rid of all the food labels, but I do realise that the more I allow myself to eat a certain food and the more ok I become with it, the less likely I am to binge on it. It can be challenging to deal with this though. At times, i would not have certain foods in the house (this is not always realistic though especially if not living on your own- and yes I have had sad acts of me eating my flatmates food when I was on a binging rampage... I always replaced it afterwards but it still feels particularly horrible). Not having a food you tend to binge on easily accessible can be a temporary help possibly, but I think in the long term it makes it worse for me. At this point I struggle a lot with food phobias and then getting obsessed with certain foods that become 'safe' (pastries at this point...)- I have even gone to the point of littering that food (eg. chocolate bars) all throughout my room/ home to teach myself that this food is ok and that I can have it whenever I want. Funnily this actually helped to shift things in my brain- I used to hide these foods in a certain cubboard but I realised that by doing so I was indirectly teaching myself that these foods were 'bad', 'scary', eating them was wrong etc. 

Also trying to compensate after a binge can make it worse (eg. skipping meals, banning certain foods, exercise or vowing to never eat xxx again etc) - the general recommendation is to get back to regular eating as soon as possible- for me I have not yet figured out what the best way is as sometimes I feel so physically sick that forcing myself to get back to a regular pattern too soon can be a form of self-punishment in itself- but in general I think it is helpful to just cook/ prepare the next meal as usual and let myself have it if I can stomach it. 

What I have also tried in the past is compartmentalising eating. Ie. only eating in the kitchen and not eating in my room. 

Binging out of stress/ emotional upset etc. This happens to me too sometimes. Not sure what helps. Trying to be kind to myself afterwards. Telling myself that it is a 'natural response' etc. (acually it is normal to crave sweet and fatty things in times of stress according to my dietitian). 

Binging as a form of self-punishment/self-harm/self-sabotage- this is the worst one for me. It is so devastating and a mean thing to do to myself. Wish I had a solution to stop this kind of behaviour- think long term self-acceptance and kindness- trying to not put yourself down afterwards etc. I tend to get stuck in a cycle where i self-punish with food (eg. make myself binge to give me horrible digestive upset)- then I feel so horrible and guilty that I keep up the cycle and punish myself more with food etc. I am not sure if you experience a similar cycle, but realising your pattern can be helpful when trying to break it. 

Misreading body cues- I realised that often I cannot tell appart hunger, stress, nausea and overfullness... not sure how to deal with this yet... 

I am not sure what kind of help you have been receiving for the binge eating, but it might be helpful to experiment with different types of help. Dealing with the psychological side of it may be helpful. However what I found for me is that I needed clearer guidance about what to actually do/eat etc- seeing a dietitian in addition to any therapy/counselling could be helpful. 

Another idea is keeping a food diary- I am ambiguous about this one as though- it can be good to offload your thoughts etc. and nice to help spot patterns and show to professionals. on the other hand it puts a lot of focus on the food which initself can cause problems and sometimes 'eat and forget' can be a good strategy too. 

I hope some of this is helpful. I have deliberately kept the focus on my own experiences (and therefore written in first person) as I believe that food and eating is such a personal and individual thing and there is no one way that fits everyone. This uncertainty is actually very hard for me to accept, but knowing this can be helpful- you will find what is right for you. 

As some of the other people have commented. Your eating habits do not define you and are not a reflection of your character. You are not doing anything wrong. 

I hope you feel better soon!! xx Ann 

Firstly, might I echo Desmond loud and clear: YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME and you have nothing to be ashamed of. 

So, you've got a food issue. Many of us have; swinging between under or over eating. Whether that's purely to do with your sensory issues or something psychological, or a bit of both...it's got nothing to do with you being deserving or not, being a nice person or not, or being trustworthy or not.

Binge eating says absolutely nothing about you other than food is clearly problematic for you.

The people on your course were nice to you because they found something likeable in you. It's that simple, honest.

I am so sorry that the eating had got you in that emotional state and I hope for the sake of your physical health you can find a more balanced relationship to food, but fat or thin, midnight snacking or not, none of this reflects negatively on your character.

Moreover none of this can logically be a burden to others. It's not like smoking where others would be breathing in second hand smoke, or drinking where others would have to put up with you drunk. The only impact binge eating can have is to you in as much as it's not good for you physically.

So, never mind what others think. Never mind what you think they think (they probably aren't), just focus on the things that will get you fit so you can enjoy life.

What I would be a tad more concerned about is what you say about 'voices in your head'. If you mean an internal dialogue with yourself...you need that to be less critical. If you mean literal voices...that's more worrying and needs some outside help.

Hi NAS66392,

Thank you for sharing this with the community. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been feeling this way. You may like to have a look at the mental health section of our website which has useful links to information and advice about a range of mental health issues:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health  

 The information on this page may be of particular interest: 

 https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/depression  

 https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/eating-disorders  

 https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/self-harm  

 If you feel that you might need some support with your mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help. 

All the best,

ChloeMod

First of all, you're not to blame. Would someone with cancer be blamed for their disease? Of course not. It's not a moral issue.

Your parents don't seem too concerned. Perhaps ask an Adult you CAN trust.