Hey guys.
I have thought long and hard about this and I can't take this *** anymore. I can't accept my autism for what it is; I don't want this. This isn't me. ***, things are **** hard right now too.. I don't know how to move forward and all day and all night I think, "I'm different than everyone else," - "They don't need me," "I'm **** useless." "My autism is the reason why I'm the way I am. Disabled. Stands out from the crowd, can't even get a **** job and being hard on myself is all I seem to be good at!" - "There's nothing else for me!" You see this ***?
Doing something new > Focusing only on the bad > Overthinking > Panicing > Depression.
This is my thought process. All it is really. I've tried. I've tried very hard to reset my thinking and to remember that I can be like the norm. It just takes time, energy, and one hell of a good self-esteem. But I can't do it anymore. This whole thing on "bettering myself to be normal" wouldn't have even MATTERED if I didn't have AUTISM. What the *** do I do with myself? Media keeps telling me that autistic individuals feel 3x more depressed than NT. ***. There's no way out of this! I will always be here, and I'll never get out! So as I crumble and fall back into the abyss of ***, I think to myself... "One way.. the only, the ONLY way you'll ever get out of this, is if you finally pull the plug." - "Let everything go, all that mother *** special ed, your internship, that girl you've always thought was too good for you, your sad, pathetic attitude about EVERYTHING, learning differently, that ITCH to change the way people are with each other, you need to let this go. *** life. *** what people think of you. *** existing."
I am nothing but collateral. I really DON'T matter.
And you want to know the worst part of it all? I have nobody to tell me otherwise. It's always me helping others, never the other way around. This is my rest.
I'll leave this post up for anyone who cares enough to read this. FML.
[Edited by Moderator]
