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How do I deal with my abusive father?

NAS77174

Hey guys. So I had a convo with my dad this morning about me not giving him breakfast. (I am a bit of a cook, but rarely serve food - more on this later) He popped the question as if it is highly expected for him to get breakfast yet I refused. And in my opinion, this is valid 'cause of a thing in the past that plagues me to this day.

On an early Monday morning two years ago now, I got up out of bed, went inside the bathroom, locked it and started to brush my teeth as my little sister, which is scared to just go downstairs and use the bathroom there started banging and yelling outside the door because she needed to go pee. I told her what I usually tell her in this situation (to go downstairs that is), and went on brushing my teeth. However this time she didn't take it so lightly and woke my dad up, which got him furious. He started banging on the door 3x louder than my sister ever did and as a result of the excessive banging, I let him in.

Big mistake. When I opened the door to actually see my dad he was in some kind of demeanor that allowed him to switch into a different state in a matter of seconds. From scared & desperate, to aggressive & hostile as he comes in and pins me straight to the wall with no time to react. After the push, he also punched me in the face where I fell on the hard floor tiles. He walked away quickly and left me there on the ground as my sister calmly comes in and takes a 3-second pee as if absolutely nothing happened at this point. As you might imagine, I was absolutely traumatized of this event. My dad always had been a bit of a violent one, but never actually abused any of us aside from mild mental abusive. (which is nothing compared to this) Linking it all back leades me to now where I come up with a bullshit excuse as to why I don't give anyone any food because what's the point exit, but he didn't exactly recipocate this way of thinking. (which is perfectly fine) I reply in the heat of the moment as my demeanor switches and I yell saying that he's the reason as to why I never give him food because it is very hard for me to look him in the eye and saying: "Here you go," with actual served food.

With that, I left the room without hearing his dumb response of how he's changed when he really hasn't and only thinks of himself. This is evident, because he also has these sorts of arguements with my mom and calls them 'mature,' in the way of him always trying to be right. I know what I'm saying here may be kind of black and white to you, but it is in every bit true and it is why I usually don't serve him or anybody in the family anything to eat because I also usually don't, especially my own parents because they can cook on their own perfectly fine. Did I make the right call?

  • That sounds terrible. Regardless of family titles, father, mother, sister, and so on, it's what people do and the actions they take, and how they treat you that's what's important. Communicating with a person like your father is difficult, since he only says things to protect himself and put himself into the position of being right all the time. It's not "mature," it's corrupt, an abuse of power and authority.

    I've had a family member throw a punch at me in pure rage, and it's terrifying to have the knowledge of what they are capable of doing, that they can be violent, that they can harm you to that extent, and it triggers a fear of death and dying, and having people around you ignore you in a life-threatening situation, while you are suffering, and all that will cause trauma.

    You lost trust in them. I mean a part of the evolution of trust is supporting each other's life in some way, but if someone has harmed you and has threatened your life, that's detrimental to trust, and why would you then want to feed the body of someone who could ultimately cause harm to you? That's like the energizing a monster who will destroy you.

    If you can, move away from them, and then you can have the freedom to do the things you want to do. 

  • To answer the question of the title of this post: you can't. A violent and abusive individual isn't likely to change because of anything you say or do. The links the mod has indicated will lead you to organizations who will offer practical advice about how to leave the situation; you may also want to mention the situation concerning your sister, who sounds as if she's been conditioned to violence.

    Not only is none of this your fault, but it's important for these types of incidents not to become normalized in your life. Ask for help; good luck with it.

  • Hi NAS771744,

    Sorry to hear about the abusive situation you have been in.

    Domestic abuse can take many different forms, both physical and psychological - you might like to take a look at the information here: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse.  

     

    If you are a victim of domestic violence or abuse, there are many different organisations which can give you help. You can find contact details for a range of organisations here: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help. 

    Kind regards,

    Clare Mod

    1. You are right to raise your voice against the injustice towards your mom also it's a responsibility to look after her because she looked after you when you needed it the most.

    2. You will have start by accepting the fact that your father is like this only, You can say "yeah I know this thing already", but that's not the truth, You "know" how it is but you have not accepted it yet.

    3. Now, accepting is the first step towards finding a solution, You can't revolt against your own father if he's a lunatic, This will further escalate and won't stop until one of you will give up, For example, the incident you have just mentioned in the post, You had to give up.

    4. Whatever happens between you and your father will eventually result in one thing: "Mental suffering for your mother", If you yelled at him and left after the lockdown he will let his frustration out on her, If the argument gets out of control and you asked her to leave with you then she will miss him no matter the way he is, most importantly for the facts "Is he okay? How will he manage his meals? how will he manage the laundry?"

    Until now I told you what can go wrong and who will suffer, Now here is what you can do:

    1. Accept the fact as I told you earlier because if you won't then his every act will annoy you, Trust me, even if he will walk past you it will spoil your mood, you will be always angry and it will *** up your ability to differentiate between what's wrong and what's right, you will react on every unnecessary act.

    2. Point it out if he's wrong, every *****time it happens, Just notice every time his breaking point when he starts acting like a lunatic, don't push it, Point out his mistakes and when he's about to yell, you calm down even listen to his lectures for a while (here is when the acceptance part kicks in, you know all this *** already, hence no need to act, it will be tough but very easy after a while) If it happens again after a few hours then point it out again, Don't trigger his anger to make him uncomfortable.

    3. After a while, he might stop doing it, which rarely happens, or he will notice that you have some authority as well, so he will hesitate to argue with you and he will have to shut up once in a while when he knows he's wrong, Just don't take advantage of this authority, when you are wrong then stay silent. Why? Because if he knows it's your fault and you are still arguing then it sends a wrong message, from next time he'll think that you just yell no matter. Sorry to say it's the same as when in a relationship your GF remembers something from 5 months old and she is operating on what happened 5 months ago and she will judge your action on what you did 5 months ago because you were wrong that time.

    4. Your neighbors know about it more than you do, Don't hesitate what society thinks about you, society is gonna talk *** one way or another, even if it ruins your image then do the right thing, you will have to make a choice "Your mother: who did everything for you" or "Your family's image in society, that society which won't even give a *** about you if you are stuck in some issue (they might help but there is a limit, all doors close after a while)" and in India, 95% of the times they know all this already.

    [Edited by moderator]