therapy that has been harmful

Hi autileaf,

I'm so glad you've got an autism informed therapist now.  

Indeed! Most of us don't get a lot out of therapies for NTs, and sometimes they do do a lot of damage.  I know some of mine did, albeit this was unwitting on the part of the therapist as neither of us knew I was autistic and therefore she just kept trying to shove me through the NT processes and I was labelled 'unco-operative' when I couldn't fit the NT box.  It's the conclusion that if it doesn't work, I am to blame that did the most harm.

Your first therapist though I think is of a whole other order of nasty.  NT or ND, how can you tell someone off for crying in therapy, or suggest that others don't like them, or assume that a lack of attachment feelings are narcissistic?  I doubt somehow it's only his ND patients who are being harmed by him.  He's just added a layer of trauma for you.

I'd talk that through with your current therapist, but do hang on to the fact that you did nothing wrong here and you don't have to think well of this guy if he doesn't deserve thinking well of.

thank you so much! your message helps a lot. basically the reason why he told me off for crying because he believed i wasn't trying hard enough. i don't know- since he met me, i used to just blurt out my problems which he didn't like. and the reason why he said nobody around me liked me was because i guess i just didn't present myself in the "correct" way whatever that is. 

i don't know- it's hard. i gave him a thank you card at the end too. 

he did help in some aspects though- i don't know. and it almost seemed as though he didn't mean it. he then said he may have made a few mistakes but said that he's had to accept that i'm ND which almost made it sound like it was problematic. he treated me as though i didn't care about others which was hurtful. 

it's just he will be the MH professional who i've spoken to for the longest and so it feels problematic that he caused harm. therapy with him was going well at one point like down the phone i guess because there was like a barrier there and i felt safer but face to face, i don't know.

i suppose he never validated my feelings- in his eyes, i was always irrational. 

ugh i don't know

sorry this is so rambly

No, it's not rambly.  I identify with it.  This is the biggest mistake that NT therapist make.  If you don't fit their model they assume all sorts of things that aren't true of you and actively blame the patient. 

In our case, the reason we don't fit is because we are autistic.  It could have been something else.  Some therapists just need to pull their heads out of their backsides and when one approach doesn't seem to help, start asking themselves why not and seek to really understand that.  The answer is NOT EVER that the patient isn't trying or doesn't want to get better.  You wouldn't be there in the first place if that were so.  And no one should ever feel unsafe in therapy; nervous, unsure, perhaps, but never unsafe.  How can any therapist help anyone, if their patient does not feel safe to tell them whatever is bothering them?

I know there are some good ones out there and I am heartened by every tale I hear of someone going for the first time to have their therapist spot that they could be on the Spectrum and help them to the right support for them.  But there are some who a) are ignorant about ASD and b) have an ego problem of their own and are too ready to blame the patient.

Honestly, this guy was the problem, not you.  You deserved his care not his criticism.

No, it's not rambly.  I identify with it.  This is the biggest mistake that NT therapist make.  If you don't fit their model they assume all sorts of things that aren't true of you and actively blame the patient. 

In our case, the reason we don't fit is because we are autistic.  It could have been something else.  Some therapists just need to pull their heads out of their backsides and when one approach doesn't seem to help, start asking themselves why not and seek to really understand that.  The answer is NOT EVER that the patient isn't trying or doesn't want to get better.  You wouldn't be there in the first place if that were so.  And no one should ever feel unsafe in therapy; nervous, unsure, perhaps, but never unsafe.  How can any therapist help anyone, if their patient does not feel safe to tell them whatever is bothering them?

I know there are some good ones out there and I am heartened by every tale I hear of someone going for the first time to have their therapist spot that they could be on the Spectrum and help them to the right support for them.  But there are some who a) are ignorant about ASD and b) have an ego problem of their own and are too ready to blame the patient.

Honestly, this guy was the problem, not you.  You deserved his care not his criticism.

thank you i appreciate it. 

yes he taught me techniques of ACT which defo helped. but he told me to get a book and well it was like he had just read out the book when talking to me. he had a very specific method and i agree sometimes he tried to change it. he just wasn't very flexible.

when it came to "relational CBT", not so much, he could only help anxiety wise. my method of communicating with others was flawed in his eyes until he realised i had ASD which is why he did say he knows he may have made some mistakes.

i worry because i feel as though sometimes he didn't mean it- i just seemed to wind him up. 

i guess it's a weird situation because he will have been the MH professional i've had the longest but then 1 year of it was down the phone and phone and face to face was different. and during the time i had him as my therapist, a lot of suicidal thoughts lessened but arguably a lot of it was my own work. i worked very hard to fit into his method. 

i really don't know. i didn't expect to have him as a therapist for this long. i waited on a waiting list for my current therapy for 16 months when it should've been 3 months. 

i just don't know. like i feel so confused and i don't know how to understand it.