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Supporting my ND partner through grief

Nick

Hi

Apologies for the long story but here goes...

I am the NT partner of an ND lady who is absolutely amazing. Being in a relationship with her has been eye opening and it has been a privilege to get to know her and start, very gradually and with her help, to see the world from her perspective. She has told me she Asperger's (apologies if that is not the correct nomenclature, I am still learning the right and wrong things to say). 

She is incredibly intelligent and challenges me on many subjects and we have had some brilliant conversations. We have been talking for months and actually dating for about 10 weeks.

Late last week her dog, which she has had for many years and has been through some traumatic experiences with her, got very sick and had to be put down. This was quite sudden and she only had a couple of days to say goodbye. She does not have or intend to have any children and had a very deep bond with this lovely animal and she is absolutely devastated. 

I did my best to support her and look after her over the weekend and she as said how much she appreciates me being there for her. I had told her that any time she felt she needed time on her own to let me know and on Monday morning she did just that.

I would be hugely grateful for any insight anyone can give me into the ND grieving process as I am conscious that it will likely be very different from the way most NT people process grief.

Also any suggestions about the best way I can support her and things to and possibly more importantly NOT to do would be very gratefully received.

This amazing lady means the world to me and I really want to help her in any way I can. 

Thanks

  • in reply to Autimator

    Yes indeed. I was very touched by his relationship with his dog and Kesral.

  • Bless you. What a lucky lady to have you. You know NT or ND, there are no rules about grief. It takes the time it takes and we process however we can. Follow her lead on it is all I can say. But I'd say that whether she were Aspergic or not. 

  • Hi Nick,

    You might like to take a look at 'Bereavement - a guide for autistic adults' on our website - you can find that here.

    At the end of the guide there is a link to an article called 'Autistic grief is not like neurotypical grief' by Karla Fisher which has a section on things that might help.

    Hope that's of some use.

    Regards,

    Kerri-Mod

  • Nick said:
    I had told her that any time she felt she needed time on her own to let me know and on Monday morning she did just that.

    I think that is the single best thing you can do... interacting with people - even loved ones - can be exhausting. In such circumstances I would also appreciate my wife re-assuring me that I can grieve any way I want to... there can be a lot of expectation to display grief in a certain way with NT people.

    The only other thing is perhaps to suggest you could help her arrange a little farewell ceremony of some sort?

  • Hi, that's tragic and I'm sorry for her loss.  Obviously its a difficult time for anyone, but some autistic people can have deep bonds with animals and it will be very distressing. Are you familiar with Chris Packham, as he has had deep bonds with his dogs and been deeply affected by their loss - you might want to watch Chris Packham: The Walk That Made Me on BBC iplayer, if you can, its mostly about his life story which won't be that relevant, but there are bits about how he was affected by the loss of dogs in his past which clearly distressed him massively.

    Just let her know you are there for her while she has time to herself, and to reach out if she is feeling very low.