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Depression and suicide thoughts

Dark Cloud

Sorry if my english are not good. It's not my native language.

I don't think there is a reason to live. I never felt close with a person without feeling jealous or inferior. When someone do me something good i don't feel anything. My first instinct is to feel and think egocentric. I don't know how to make friends i don't even know if i actually want to have friends. I just want to talk to people even if i feel nothing for them because i don't want to be alone with myself who i hate.

My life and me are empty. I never felt that i had a personality. I am afraid to talk to people because i afraid they won't like me or criticize me behind my back and think i'm stupid. I don't feel comfortable with anyone not even my parents and sister and i think that they think i am stupid and problematic . I never had dreams and motivation about life without a help from others. 

I won't do anything for myself if nobody was there to see it and accept it. I don't find joy and if i do something i bored easily and i left it. 

I honestly don't want to live anymore and i don't have a reason to live. I am empty, miserable and egocentric to make friends, i don't know what to say to them and i will get bored easily. I don't have a boyfriend and probably never will because of anxiety. 

I bored easily.

It's not that i tried something by myself because i have to have motivation, if i haven't i need someone else to take the role like a ''parent'' to tell me what to do. 

I think suicide everyday and i catch myself wanting to not wake up the next day. There's is no reason to wake up anyway. I don't have hope for the future and i am 26. I feel like a bad person and that if someone really know they will dislike me or that they won't admit to dislike me or they will think i am weird or stupid. I am empty inside and i have nothing to give to someone emotionally.

If you are curious no i don't take pills for depression which i clearly have but i would get worse if i take and nothing happened.

I won't commit suicide because i afraid of death but death seems to me like redemption and freedom.

Parents

  • Hi dark cloud, really sorry to hear you feel like that.

    Speaking as an older person who has dealt with this for a long time, something that has helped me in the past, is to think, even if I forget about myself and do something- any little thing for someone else to help them, then your net worth as a human being has gone up.

    It doesn't need to be much. 

    Then another day do something else to help someone. It's surprising how it can get you out of a hole.

    Hope that helps

  • in reply to Jazzydave

    Yes: doing for others is the most amazing way into freedom.  You have already done it by posting here allowing readers to forget about their problems real or imaginary or …as they consider how their best self might also lead your best self into the light 

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