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Depression and suicide thoughts

Dark Cloud

Sorry if my english are not good. It's not my native language.

I don't think there is a reason to live. I never felt close with a person without feeling jealous or inferior. When someone do me something good i don't feel anything. My first instinct is to feel and think egocentric. I don't know how to make friends i don't even know if i actually want to have friends. I just want to talk to people even if i feel nothing for them because i don't want to be alone with myself who i hate.

My life and me are empty. I never felt that i had a personality. I am afraid to talk to people because i afraid they won't like me or criticize me behind my back and think i'm stupid. I don't feel comfortable with anyone not even my parents and sister and i think that they think i am stupid and problematic . I never had dreams and motivation about life without a help from others. 

I won't do anything for myself if nobody was there to see it and accept it. I don't find joy and if i do something i bored easily and i left it. 

I honestly don't want to live anymore and i don't have a reason to live. I am empty, miserable and egocentric to make friends, i don't know what to say to them and i will get bored easily. I don't have a boyfriend and probably never will because of anxiety. 

I bored easily.

It's not that i tried something by myself because i have to have motivation, if i haven't i need someone else to take the role like a ''parent'' to tell me what to do. 

I think suicide everyday and i catch myself wanting to not wake up the next day. There's is no reason to wake up anyway. I don't have hope for the future and i am 26. I feel like a bad person and that if someone really know they will dislike me or that they won't admit to dislike me or they will think i am weird or stupid. I am empty inside and i have nothing to give to someone emotionally.

If you are curious no i don't take pills for depression which i clearly have but i would get worse if i take and nothing happened.

I won't commit suicide because i afraid of death but death seems to me like redemption and freedom.

Parents

  • For whatever it's worth, I know exactly how you feel. Hopeless, Depressed, permanently suffering from Anxiety, just want it all to stop and go away, waking up in the morning with NOTHING to look forwards to and just another day ahead of you. What's the point? Was there ever a point? Why am I actually here, since I am never happy and do nothing but suffer? Can't enjoy reading, tv or films since cannot relax, going for walks does very little, exercises like walking to take mind off of things is almost pointless-pretty much no effect at all. Even working on computers doesn't help, you just feel more and more awful and sick of it all.

    There IS no point, you just have to go on, but why? ON the hope that it can, that it WILL get better?

    I'm almost 43 and have known about my Aspergers Syndrome since I was in my 20's. None of it helps-there have been people and rare organisation who have helped, like the NAS, Elite Supported Employment and Autism Spectrum Connections Cymru. But, personally? You just have to keep going, more often than not. Find someone who is no-questions-asked on your side who you can talk to, discuss issues with and will be there for you whenever you need them. That MIGHT JUST get you through-it held me together for a while, until the person who helped me moved to another post in the NAS.

    I know others, but I am not very good at staying in touch with them-which is more important than I can say. Don't make my mistakes, find those who can and will help you be you and hang onto them tight. Also, just remember that no matter how rough things may get there is always light at the end of the tunnel-it just gets very hard to see sometimes. That's when you need help.

    Stay safe and smile, you can do this.

Reply

  • For whatever it's worth, I know exactly how you feel. Hopeless, Depressed, permanently suffering from Anxiety, just want it all to stop and go away, waking up in the morning with NOTHING to look forwards to and just another day ahead of you. What's the point? Was there ever a point? Why am I actually here, since I am never happy and do nothing but suffer? Can't enjoy reading, tv or films since cannot relax, going for walks does very little, exercises like walking to take mind off of things is almost pointless-pretty much no effect at all. Even working on computers doesn't help, you just feel more and more awful and sick of it all.

    There IS no point, you just have to go on, but why? ON the hope that it can, that it WILL get better?

    I'm almost 43 and have known about my Aspergers Syndrome since I was in my 20's. None of it helps-there have been people and rare organisation who have helped, like the NAS, Elite Supported Employment and Autism Spectrum Connections Cymru. But, personally? You just have to keep going, more often than not. Find someone who is no-questions-asked on your side who you can talk to, discuss issues with and will be there for you whenever you need them. That MIGHT JUST get you through-it held me together for a while, until the person who helped me moved to another post in the NAS.

    I know others, but I am not very good at staying in touch with them-which is more important than I can say. Don't make my mistakes, find those who can and will help you be you and hang onto them tight. Also, just remember that no matter how rough things may get there is always light at the end of the tunnel-it just gets very hard to see sometimes. That's when you need help.

    Stay safe and smile, you can do this.

Children
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