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Depression and suicide thoughts

Dark Cloud

Sorry if my english are not good. It's not my native language.

I don't think there is a reason to live. I never felt close with a person without feeling jealous or inferior. When someone do me something good i don't feel anything. My first instinct is to feel and think egocentric. I don't know how to make friends i don't even know if i actually want to have friends. I just want to talk to people even if i feel nothing for them because i don't want to be alone with myself who i hate.

My life and me are empty. I never felt that i had a personality. I am afraid to talk to people because i afraid they won't like me or criticize me behind my back and think i'm stupid. I don't feel comfortable with anyone not even my parents and sister and i think that they think i am stupid and problematic . I never had dreams and motivation about life without a help from others. 

I won't do anything for myself if nobody was there to see it and accept it. I don't find joy and if i do something i bored easily and i left it. 

I honestly don't want to live anymore and i don't have a reason to live. I am empty, miserable and egocentric to make friends, i don't know what to say to them and i will get bored easily. I don't have a boyfriend and probably never will because of anxiety. 

I bored easily.

It's not that i tried something by myself because i have to have motivation, if i haven't i need someone else to take the role like a ''parent'' to tell me what to do. 

I think suicide everyday and i catch myself wanting to not wake up the next day. There's is no reason to wake up anyway. I don't have hope for the future and i am 26. I feel like a bad person and that if someone really know they will dislike me or that they won't admit to dislike me or they will think i am weird or stupid. I am empty inside and i have nothing to give to someone emotionally.

If you are curious no i don't take pills for depression which i clearly have but i would get worse if i take and nothing happened.

I won't commit suicide because i afraid of death but death seems to me like redemption and freedom.

Parents

  • I've felt like this, because of a job I held which nearly finished me because I had no apparent way out and absolutely hated it. What saved me was finding a person, from the NAS, who understood me and was able to not only get me out of that job but into a situation where I was actually doing work and meeting people, which I enjoyed doing. Sometimes you just haven't met the right person, or people, yet. I would suggest getting on to the NAS for help and probably Counselling, the right kind of help at the right time can work wonders.

    Hang on in there, things can and will get better.

  • in reply to Soifre

    I feel a sense of being trapped and I get hope from what you write about help within NAS.

  • in reply to NAS73180

    You will, I hope, find out like did there are people out there who can help-and will. Inside the NAS and outside. The saddest thing is, you have to find the, The Jobcentre should be directing them to you, I think.

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