Sorry if my english are not good. It's not my native language.
I don't think there is a reason to live. I never felt close with a person without feeling jealous or inferior. When someone do me something good i don't feel anything. My first instinct is to feel and think egocentric. I don't know how to make friends i don't even know if i actually want to have friends. I just want to talk to people even if i feel nothing for them because i don't want to be alone with myself who i hate.
My life and me are empty. I never felt that i had a personality. I am afraid to talk to people because i afraid they won't like me or criticize me behind my back and think i'm stupid. I don't feel comfortable with anyone not even my parents and sister and i think that they think i am stupid and problematic . I never had dreams and motivation about life without a help from others.
I won't do anything for myself if nobody was there to see it and accept it. I don't find joy and if i do something i bored easily and i left it.
I honestly don't want to live anymore and i don't have a reason to live. I am empty, miserable and egocentric to make friends, i don't know what to say to them and i will get bored easily. I don't have a boyfriend and probably never will because of anxiety.
I bored easily.
It's not that i tried something by myself because i have to have motivation, if i haven't i need someone else to take the role like a ''parent'' to tell me what to do.
I think suicide everyday and i catch myself wanting to not wake up the next day. There's is no reason to wake up anyway. I don't have hope for the future and i am 26. I feel like a bad person and that if someone really know they will dislike me or that they won't admit to dislike me or they will think i am weird or stupid. I am empty inside and i have nothing to give to someone emotionally.
If you are curious no i don't take pills for depression which i clearly have but i would get worse if i take and nothing happened.
I won't commit suicide because i afraid of death but death seems to me like redemption and freedom.
