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Being yourself in social situations?

Shadweller

Anyone else have difficulties with "being yourself" in social situations?

It's seems to be something that comes easily and naturally to most other people (NTs), whether it's just knowing the right kind of things to say and talk about, or just simply how to be or how to act.

I often seem to get into difficulties with this and it causes me anxiety. Either I can be excessively self conscious and socially anxious, or I can appear to come across at the other extreme sometimes if I over compensate in some way I don't quite understand, either appearing arrogant or something along those lines.

I've been coming across things about "difficulties knowing how to act in social situations" as part of my researching into symptoms of being on the spectrum.

Does anybody else know what I am talking about and have any tips or experiences?

On the one hand, I feel that it would be easy just to completely give up on putting myself in social situations that I find difficult and problematic. But on the other hand I do think that I might eventually be able to figure things out to some extent, along self-awareness lines, and to improve the way I come across.

I have signed up for a local singles pool league (as in the cue sport). I imagine that I'm going to find it difficult and awkward socially, especially at first. But am hoping that it will get easier as hopefully the anxiety subsides and the weeks go by, hopefully I will learn / remember strategies and ways of acting. I used to do this sort of thing many years ago when I was more confident in my younger years. I enjoy cue sports and am potentially good at them, but at the moment am struggling with the social aspect even in terms of solo practice before the league starts, as this means having to hang out in a public place (the pool and snooker club) to do this.

A part of the whole self diagnosing with being on the spectrum thing, is wanting to come to understand how to deal with issues that come up in my life, issues like this. On one hand, maybe I could simply just say to myself something like "Oh it's likely that I am on the spectrum therefore this problem is likely to be one of the symptoms of this, and there's not much I can do about it" or on the other hand, I could say to myself something like "yes these difficulties could well be due to being on the spectrum but I believe that I can develop self awareness and behaviours to help overcome these difficulties (at least to some extent)"

It's already very clear which approach is going to be more adaptive and helpful, rather than just being fatalistic and defeatist.

I believe that forcing myself to expand my socialising it will lead to improvement in other areas of my life, such as helping to improve my relationships with colleagues at work. Providing I manage to maintain a positive approach to the difficulties I am bound to encounter.

  • in reply to Andy-Zan
    Andy-Zan said:
    Have a look at the list of cognitive distortions we sometimes develop

    Where is this?

  • It's hard to say as I haven't been in any new or challenging social situations for a while, but I know in the past, as long as I could "get by" in some situations, it didn't really bother me if I hadn't made any meaningful connections.

  • It's impossible to be all of oneself... Unless you mean comfortable, not hyper-aware of my inner script, what's appropriate, etc.. The context here includes a great deal of Strangers and - perhaps this is because I'm female - one shouldn't be vulnerable (fully oneself) in a room full of strangers. No need to pretend either, it's just [analogy:] there is a lovely moat, wall and collexion of armed guards between you and me.

    Unless you're joining an improv group, which can be useful for future social situations. 

    I literally know nothing about an entire room full of complex organisms, the whole episode is actually a daunting task. And one could just go in, twirl about a bit, be odd, quirky, eccentric and leave. Make entrance, make exit. But usually the underlying goal entails forming new bonds or the maintenance of bonds. And that can imply suffering needless hours of small talk, which is like rafting through a canal of crocodiles.

    And I'm not sure NTs are authentically themselves: either they cannot or do not know how, or they're so socially coded to not be that it doesn't matter. There is good cause to reason we can simply be comfortable in our shell and create a pleasant psychological distance, as others do tend to notice when one is being a bit 'fake'. 

    I have a friend who refers to dressing in his "Alter Ego" when he's due to suffer hours of socialising. I suppose it's a bit of embracing his mask, but... That seems to work.

  • It depends how you look at it. Myself in social situations is different to myself on my own or with my family, or they are all me. NT’s are no different. They behave differently in different situations and with different people.Possibly more so. It’s one of the things that used to freak me out when I was in Corporate World. How you could have relatively normal conversation with someone and then their boss turns up and they completely change and become someone else!

  • It was explained to me by a specialist in the autistic field that, for most autistic people, any form of social interaction creates as much physiological, psychological and emotional tension in their body as a neurotypical would experience taking a driving test or being interviewed for a job. The stress, anxiety and worry can start days (or weeks) beforehand. And once it's over, it leaves you feeling exhausted. An interview or driving test typically only lasts for 45 minutes, but social interaction can last for hours at a time. So you can imagine how an autistic person will feel afterwards.

  • Qudos for your pool adventure!

    It's a balancing act... my inclination has always been to be somewhere quiet, or alone (or both if possible). However by throwing myself in to social situations when they arose (albeit extremely heavily masked), I had many wonderful times and experienced things I never would have otherwise.

    It helped that I'm married to an energetic non-autistic woman who's pushed my boundries for 20 years.

    What made it possible for me was arranging my life to ensure that I always had alone-time to recover from any social situations, and always had an escape route planned in case it became too much for me.

    I also found booze and weed very helpful... but several times in my life this became problematic.

    I have instinctively masked heavily around other people my whole life... I learnt how to mimic other people & had scripted responses to things NTs like to talk about - EG: I can't stand cricket but I force myself to read the sports pages so I could banter a little.

    I developed techniques to steer conversations away from things that made me uncomfortable... with the exception of a few red lines I like to avoid confrontation.

    Bizarrely in retrospect, I would sometimes organise or take control of social situations so I could steer them away from (for example) noisy bars towards quieter venues & activities (and back in the day away from the smoke-filled bars & pubs that I couldn't stand).

    In discussions since my fairly recent self-diagnosis, I've been accused of being fake my whole life. I don't feel that at all, it's just an edited version, and when I find people I click with the need to mask diminishes.

  • I used to find it easy to be myself in social situations. It freaked a lot of people out though. I once began my introduction with hi I’m peter do you still have both your kidneys? (It made sense in context, at least it made sense to me, the poor girl didn’t get the refrence)

  • in reply to Andy-Zan

    I ‘protect’ myself by assuming the worst possible version of the other person’s mind.

    I protect myself as in I prepare to defend myself. 

    I guess it doesn’t take into account the fact that it’s possible for me to be wrong.  Is it conceivable that this person 

    1. wishes me well

    2. is thinking about zoos 

    3.  Is trying to deal with grief

    4. Has just had a cancer diagnosis 

    5. thinks they are a mouse: a new type of ‘rainbow’ chicken mouse perhaps 

    6. other thoughts feelings  which I couldn’t even imagine because I don’t have sufficient information  

    Of One thing I am certain: I think only of myself.  I am disordered to the point of imagining an unreal situation:  I exist ‘more’ than others.  
    Something deep within me is suffocated while trying to draw attention to the remarkable fact that others and other exists as much as me.

    This means that my disorder doesn’t let me know that I am not alone. 
    I am powerless over this situation and fighting the condition is a waste of energy.

    In terms of ASD this forum is powerful for me.  On my own I wouldn’t think up the truths and experiences I witness here.  
    I get access to a type of Power through losing the loneliness here.  
    Thank you to the administrators and contributors.

  • Yes I completely get this.

    The biggest thing for me is a cognitive distortion called "Mind Reading". I assume what other people are thinking in social settings. I managed to correct it a bit but recently I've been struggling again. Have a look at the list of cognitive distortions we sometimes develop. It's just a list of unhelpful thinking and more helpful ways to think.

    Being outward focused most of the time and also genuine curiosity about others helps. As I said I corrected my thinking a lot but it comes easier sometimes. It's also important to just be honest about how you're feeling sometimes. With yourself and if necessary with others. Remember, everyone else isn't just thinking postively all of the time as well. We all have things we struggle with. We have to accept we're not perfect.