Published on 12, July, 2020
I go through a lot of intense anxiety, as well as depression, and generally I'll be worrying to death about things I know I don't need to worry about it, or which I should put aside for now and deal with later. People have always told me I should be able to do this - choose to worry about something later, or dismiss worries from my mind - but this seems utterly impossible to me.
Is this part of the obsessive way an autistic mind works? I know I obsess over mundane things too which don't cause me anxiety but which I feel compelled to do, and also I get pleasure from obsessing over certain interests. Do we just have to accept this worry as part of the obsessiveness?
I also wonder,and can kind of see after something which happened today, that my perseveration or anxiety or rumination etc can also stem from trying to work things out which others can do more intuitively. So again, it feeds into uncertainty but I think the root cause could be to do with AS and not fully understanding a situation.
out_of_step said:but I think the root cause could be to do with AS and not fully understanding a situation.
Just wanted to contribute to this in particular, because I know for sure my own discomfort/anxiety in any situation directly correlates to the number of unknowns. I mean, typing it out it sounds obvious, but it's still just such a major part of it, and the tangible ease that follows finding out certain things. I have, at the same time as this, figured out that I have always enjoyed figuring out connections and systems (and things that now make more sense through the lens of autism) and wonder if they are both part of the same needs of my mind.
I guess you're asking not just to know, but perhaps also to understand why I feel that understanding/explaining/creating rules has helped me in my jobs. So forgive me if this is a little verbose.
Way way back I was trying to be an artist in videogames development. I used to draw a lot of science fiction and fantasy stuff as a kid. But my cognitive differences (things I now understand to relate to my Autism, ADHD, and memory issues) stopped me turning my degree into a career (and to be honest this was also in 2009 just after the financial crash happened, which didn't help).
But I became a QA/software tester in videogames shortly afterwards. In my mind it was a stopgap while I figured out what to do, one in which I could use my videogames experience. But I got pretty good at it. Attention to detail, understanding of the system the game operates in, and thus how to break it, but also anticipating how users might push at the limits. Also the work doesn't require as much social and political wrangling amongst people- it's not customer facing etc.
I did that for near 10 years. Any time I had to try managing a team, though, I couldn't really do it. I was good at the work of understanding systems, breaking them, getting other people to understand what was wrong, so I just wanted to do the work and be good at it (I think this is a common theme among autistic people, that they just want to keep doing the thing they can do, as capitalism tends to always want to push people "up the ladder" and thus usually into management).
But two years ago I took an opportunity at my work (at the time no longer QA in videogames, but a QA in web software) to show off some creative skills I'd been nurturing as a hobby since leaving my degree behind me. I was able to switch from QA to UI/UX (User Interface/User Experience) Design. I've been a lot happier now that I can utilise some of my creative skills and expertise again, but what has become very clear to me is how much of my love of systems/frameworks and my experience in QA has been useful in UI/UX Design.
It's twofold- in order to design an experience for a user you have to put yourself in their shoes and try to plot what they need from the application. You're taking their needs and building a framework for them to operate. It's like QA in reverse, but instead of breaking the system you're building it. The second part is that any UI is built out of sets of components and patterns that you re-use. You make them re-useable because they allow a user to get familiar with what they're doing (buttons are always the same shape, a particular icon always means download), and building these patterns and working out how they all fit together is quite fun and rewarding (and I still sort of do my QA part, as I try to test the designs in my mind before they go to development).
I hope that's useful/interesting and not just a big wall of words.
I am interested to hear more about the roleplaying games you've written. I have some ideas for TTRPG designs myself, and I actually think there's a reasonably short leap between UX design and games design. I think designing a games system is something that might be quite satisfying to minds like ours.
I meant that question in reply to Bellerophon but I replied to your message by mistake! I have written and run roleplaying games for friends and family, mostly based on Dungeons and Dragons.
I teach adults. I've always worked around people. What about you? So you have created games yourself?
Do you mind if I ask what you do for work? I've enjoyed creating systems to organise my work and study times and also games which rely on extensive rules systems which you have to learn.
I get you now! For me, diagnosed as an adult, I didn't know that I didn't didn't fully understand some things (like in social situations) and that can lead to feelings of unease. Something feels off but you don't know why.
Yes I think if you can identify the root cause, that can help you get on top of it.
Reading it back, yeah that last part wasn't particularly clear. I suppose I was explaining that autism has helped me to understand a key part of what I enjoy (largely in my work) is in understanding/explaining/creating systems and rules, and I think the other side of that same coin is that when you don't understand the systems and the rules it leads to negative emotions and worry.
But yeah, to your point on "meta" anxiety, I agree trying to deal with your anxiety by explaining or discovering things about what your anxious about is a bit like treating the symptoms and not the cause, but that identifying these symptoms, or roots of anxiety do help you to understand the broader reasons for the anxiety (like are there common themes here?). Ideally you would just worry less to begin with, and, as you imply, sit more comfortably with things that are unknown.
Yes I think unknowns cause anxiety for a lot of people. I try to CBT my way through stuff. However, this doesn't always alleviate the anxiety. (It depends on the situation and CBT has helped a lot). I think sometimes it's not even worry (ie I'm not wondering about every eventuality for something) but just general uncertainty of the unknown.
In my CBT, I was practising sitting with uncertainty and the subsequent discomfort. This has helped me to build up tolerance of uncertainty. It's not perfect nor will it ever be, but it's helped give me a different perspective.
I don't fully understand your last sentence, but I think you're saying the lens of autism helps you work things out better for whar is causing you anxiety. If this is the case, I completely agree. Although I'm trying to get out of the habit of finding reasons for anxiety, if I can pinpoint the cause, it does help to alleviate it. (Going a bit "meta" here......) this may be because I have found an answer to what the cause is and that reduces uncertainty of wondering what caused the anxiety in the first place.