Published on 12, July, 2020
So, today, is a crying day for me. For no reason at all, I feel tearful. I can carry on with my daily stuff, but at intervals, I stop and have a good weep. I guess it's depression and anxiety, but I wonder if it's to do with my autistic brain rather than classic depression. I feel alone and lonely, unlovable, unloved and unloving. This makes me even more prone to tears. I'm not suicidal. I never want to take my own life. I love being alive. It might be that I am overwhelmed by emotions from the previous day or thoughts and emotions about an upcoming event, and maybe this is my way of releasing tension.
**update**Since posting, I've found some useful information about a possible explanation. "Autistic people who have trouble identifying their emotions, a condition known as alexithymia, are likely to have anxiety, depression and problems with social communication, according to a new study. Roughly half of autistic people experience alexithymia, which translates to ‘no words for emotions’ and is characterised by difficulties with identifying and describing one’s own feelings." This is more complicated than it seems. It doesn't mean that I don't have a vocabulary for my emotions, for me, at least, it's about not paying proper attention to my internal emotional states until they are too strong to ignore, and then I get confused by the sensations.https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/difficulty-identifying-emotions-linked-to-poor-mental-health-in-autistic-people/I hope this can help someone else too.
Having Alexithymia is one of the most difficult parts for me ,i have found it helps when people tell me i look happy or sad or scared , i understand anxious and angry but that is it . The two other feeling i have are when you are walking and your legs feel heavy and your feet merge with the ground which is a really nice feeling ,so i suppose may be happy. The other feeling is when you feel like you should be strapped to a rocket and just fire up into the sky like you are going to burst ,like you want to fly..this is more of a angry feeling . but that is it . It's really hard to maintain relationships and a lot of times you are just trying to say what you think is expected so as not to upset people close to you.