Published on 12, July, 2020
So, today, is a crying day for me. For no reason at all, I feel tearful. I can carry on with my daily stuff, but at intervals, I stop and have a good weep. I guess it's depression and anxiety, but I wonder if it's to do with my autistic brain rather than classic depression. I feel alone and lonely, unlovable, unloved and unloving. This makes me even more prone to tears. I'm not suicidal. I never want to take my own life. I love being alive. It might be that I am overwhelmed by emotions from the previous day or thoughts and emotions about an upcoming event, and maybe this is my way of releasing tension.
**update**Since posting, I've found some useful information about a possible explanation. "Autistic people who have trouble identifying their emotions, a condition known as alexithymia, are likely to have anxiety, depression and problems with social communication, according to a new study. Roughly half of autistic people experience alexithymia, which translates to ‘no words for emotions’ and is characterised by difficulties with identifying and describing one’s own feelings." This is more complicated than it seems. It doesn't mean that I don't have a vocabulary for my emotions, for me, at least, it's about not paying proper attention to my internal emotional states until they are too strong to ignore, and then I get confused by the sensations.https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/difficulty-identifying-emotions-linked-to-poor-mental-health-in-autistic-people/I hope this can help someone else too.
I just found this link its an alexthimia test I got 155 which was high it doesn't take long either
www.alexithymia.us/.../
Wow, I was surprised by my result too. 140 and also described as high. The questions they asked helped... I had no idea it might affect all those situations.
Thing is, other things can cause alexithymia - depression, trauma, neurological damage due to physical injury or substance misuse etc. It's hard to tease apart what might be an innate inability to read certain feelings (perhaps due to autism) and those that may have been acquired say, in my case due to the trauma of a family illness followed by my own. I lost my tears, for instance.
I might copy these questions down and try reflecting on how I would have answered at say 20 and then 40 and now to see if I can tease apart what has always been true and what I think is only true now.
I'm not quite sure what they mean by "externally oriented thinking", which was the only subcategory that came up "normal", the rest all said "high alexithymia".
Of course
Oops I didn't see the specific feedback at the bottom of the page! Closed it too fast! I'll have to do it again...
I'm nodding along with all you said. And I like your approach of reflecting on the questions. I may borrow this for me. Thank you.