Published on 12, July, 2020
So, today, is a crying day for me. For no reason at all, I feel tearful. I can carry on with my daily stuff, but at intervals, I stop and have a good weep. I guess it's depression and anxiety, but I wonder if it's to do with my autistic brain rather than classic depression. I feel alone and lonely, unlovable, unloved and unloving. This makes me even more prone to tears. I'm not suicidal. I never want to take my own life. I love being alive. It might be that I am overwhelmed by emotions from the previous day or thoughts and emotions about an upcoming event, and maybe this is my way of releasing tension.
**update**Since posting, I've found some useful information about a possible explanation. "Autistic people who have trouble identifying their emotions, a condition known as alexithymia, are likely to have anxiety, depression and problems with social communication, according to a new study. Roughly half of autistic people experience alexithymia, which translates to ‘no words for emotions’ and is characterised by difficulties with identifying and describing one’s own feelings." This is more complicated than it seems. It doesn't mean that I don't have a vocabulary for my emotions, for me, at least, it's about not paying proper attention to my internal emotional states until they are too strong to ignore, and then I get confused by the sensations.https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/difficulty-identifying-emotions-linked-to-poor-mental-health-in-autistic-people/I hope this can help someone else too.
I've had this when I had depression quite a few years ago. I would cry a lot and feel as you described.
I also experienced it when I was grieving the loss of a family member. Sometimes the tears would stop me completely. I used to refer to the grief as it was a living being with its own agenda and timescale, because it wasn't something controllable or fully understandable - certainly not linear!
Yet, I've also experienced something close to it when I'm exhausted and have bottled up emotions or anything unprocessed. If things aren't being processed, even subconsciously, then it'll come out eventually somehow. Maybe as tears, maybe as grumpiness, going quiet, etc. It can be different each time, and the resolution can be different each time.
Hope you are feeling better today.
Thank you, Mantra. The more I think about it, the more I think it's linked to autism. I found this article interesting:
Roughly half of autistic people experience alexithymia, which translates to ‘no words for emotions’ and is characterised by difficulties with identifying and describing one’s own feelings.
www.spectrumnews.org/.../
That's so interesting. I just heard of that recently.
I am actually not sure if that affects me. Before realising I was on the spectrum (years ago) I found a therapist that used tools that helped me dig into what my emotions are, ask questions of them, etc. I feel better at doing this now just from that experience and practice. But it's still not always easy. Finding words that feel like the best match to feelings is absolutely liberating. It's like the first step to understanding it... figuring out what/if anything needs to be done to help. Before this, I can feel so stuck.
The research they described sounded like only checking in on the selected group twice. It would be interesting to find out if an intervention, such as a therapy like I experienced, could help people and reduce these difficulties, maybe help them develop skills for life like I feel I started doing.