Published on 12, July, 2020
Have just joined this community - have been with my husband for 11 years. He's not formally diagnosed, but my own GP has suggested that he is on the spectrum, after I visited her because my husband said that I had mental health issues!
It seems that what I took to be difficult, abusive and controlling behaviour, was actually the outworking of him being on the spectrum.
I've read an awful lot about this recently, and can't believe I didn't see it before.At the moment, I haven't mentioned anything to him, as I need time to get to grips with it myself.I plan to broach the subject, when the time is right.The things I struggle with, are hidden away in our life at home, and no-one outside would ever guess that anything was wrong. Not even our family know, other than my daughter (from another marriage).Main problems are: repetition of domestic routines that make me want to scream! Having to run absolutely everything past him, in terms of timings of arrangements etc., with no wriggle room once agreed, or all hell will break loose! He does not sleep well, comes to bed much later than me, then only stays for around an hour, before going to sleep on the couch - he never comes back to bed in the morning in time to spend any time together, but just gets up, so no intimacy whatsoever - been like this for about 9 years......!
Constant preoccupation with hobbies - at the expense of time spent together, which I really resent.
He's unable to support me if am having a difficult time - & always seems annoyed if I am a bit 'down' - putting pressure on me to pretend that I always feel great. I am learning to do things for myself, and to be a bit selfish with my time, to avoid feeling constantly drained.
If I had known all this to begin with , I can honestly say I would not have got into this relationship, but now I'm in it, I feel that I have to act responsibly, and stay.
I worry sometimes, about how far from the 'real me' I have come, and how much I have let go of and given up, which upsets me.
My husband has held very responsible roles in education, and is very well educated, although when I look back over his life, he has struggled to maintain relationships (I'm his 3rd wife), and has also struggled to stay in work, without some drama unfolding (raising grievances, not being able to adapt, etc.).
I'd be grateful to hear anyone else's views or experiences on this.
Thanks
I sincerely want to advise you to see your husband as the victim and not yourself in this scenario. He has a medical condition and it is this medical condition that manifests in what you are observing. Now that you have come to this Hard Truth, you can start making efforts to assist your husband on the part to his recovery rather than blaming him for no fault of his.It is your attitude towards him that will eventually make or mar your marriage.
NCF said:I sincerely want to advise you to see your husband as the victim and not yourself in this scenario.
So here you advise that Newby's husband is the victim and not Newby.
NCF said:He has a medical condition and it is this medical condition that manifests in what you are observing.
You then substantiate Newby's husband's medical condition as being the reason for your hypothesis of victim-hood.
NCF said:Now that you have come to this Hard Truth, you can start making efforts to assist your husband on the part to his recovery rather than blaming him for no fault of his.It is your attitude towards him that will eventually make or mar your marriage.
Further more - you introduce this subjective hypothesis as "Hard Truth"; consisting in part of Newby being at fault in terms of blaming her husband, and in whole that she needs to adjust this 'attitude' for the sake of their marriage!!?
As far as insults go ~ your commentary is offensive. Do you understand this, and why I am suggesting at very least that a formal apology to Newby is very much the required thing here?
I have no problems with rendering apologies to any one who feels that my advise was insulting or too hash or offensive. The truth is that I did not intend to insult anyone. It could be that people have read more meanings from my sentences than I actually intended. So with due respect to any one who feels insulted or that my advise was offensive, I sincerely apologize.
1.) Now as far as serial crash and burn statements go - the following would not be one:
2.) I offer without reservation my full apologies to anyone who felt upset by my advice being insulting or too harsh or offensive. Truthfully I did not intend to insult anyone. So with due respect to anyone who feels insulted or that my advice was offensive, I sincerely apologise.
3.) Unfortunately you chose to displace some of the blame over to Newby, QuirkyFriend and I ~ by stating that we could have read more meanings from your sentences than you actually intended.
4.) Let us consider then what you actually wrote:
NCF said: 5.) I sincerely want to advise you to see your husband as the victim and not yourself in this scenario.
5.) I sincerely want to advise you to see your husband as the victim and not yourself in this scenario.
6.) Basically you genuinely want Newby to stop imagining and therefore falsely portraying herself as being the victim, and see instead that her husband is by default the true or real victim in this scenario.
7.) So very simply but none the less crudely ~ you are advising Newby to stop lying and start being truthful about who is the victim.
8.) Of course you could at this stage just be entreating Newby to feel that she is a capable person rather than actually being a victim.
NCF said: 9.) He has a medical condition and it is this medical condition that manifests in what you are observing
9.) He has a medical condition and it is this medical condition that manifests in what you are observing
10.) This Newby knows in that she has already reported that their GP believes that her husband is on the spectrum.
NCF said: 11.) Now that you have come to this Hard Truth, you can start making efforts to assist your husband on the part to his recovery rather than blaming him for no fault of his.
11.) Now that you have come to this Hard Truth, you can start making efforts to assist your husband on the part to his recovery rather than blaming him for no fault of his.
12.) For Newby the GP's preliminary diagnosis of A.S.D. was not a hard truth but a revelation or eureka moment for her. It gave her reason to understand and a means to comprehend her husbands difficulties, and ground her determination to stay with her husband as she was losing hope.
14.) Then you go on to insult Newby by stating that she can 'start' (instead of not then) making efforts to assist her husbands recovery ~ whilst all the while she has been generally and financially supporting him since he became unfit for work!?!
15.) Then you go on to insult Newby even further by stating that she is hampering her husbands recovery by means of making false accusations against him for no fault of his own - so by default according to you this makes it Newby's fault!?!?!
16) You then summarise this responsibility dump with the final insult of this series:
NCF said: 17.) It is your attitude towards him that will eventually make or mar your marriage
17.) It is your attitude towards him that will eventually make or mar your marriage
18.) So according to you it is up to Newby to change her ways or else spoil 'her' marriage - rather than the both of them working together in terms of being an equally responsible husband 'and' wife team.
19.) If you feel that you disagree with this analysis, or wish to discuss the issues addressed, please feel free and very welcome to do so.
In good faith
D.