Published on 12, July, 2020
I think i registered here before... but i honestly cant remember. If i did, it would have been a few years back... so I'm sorry about making a new account.
I don't know why i'm here really. I don't kow if i have aspergers or not. All i know is that no matter how hard I apply myself to anything, I just end up back in the same place, with nothing, acheived nothing, gained nothing. It's starting to get old.
For the first time in my life i found a job that i loved, that i could be passionate about. A job where i didn't think twice about getting out of bed for. Yet last week i got 'laid off' for not being able to meet the required targets. I can't even begin to strain just how much I put in to being the best I could be. So when they told me I wasn't keeping up and that they were laying me off, I was devastated. I still am.
but its the whole 'not being able to meet required targets' and 'not being able to keep up' is just something that happens over and over and over... I can't keep a job! I'm so tired of being stuck on this roundabout.
I know i don't fit in well with people, and having a relaxed and 'normal' conversation is just the hardest thing to do because it just doesn't feel natural to me. I can type, i can say all the wonderful stuff that comes into my head if i type/write it. But to speak it? It's like when i'm required to speak aloud all those words disappear and i'm left with images relation to what I want to say, but it's one hell of a job having to translate those images back to actual words that makes sense. I don't know if that is an aspergers thing?
So now i'm jobless (again) and lost all hope and confidence. How can i be employable if i'm just not skilled enough? Well... i think i am skilled... but i definitely don't have the speed that other people have. These days, speed is the winner with employers, not loyalty, hard work or skill. Speed and effectiveness is what brings in the money :/
I may have waffled a bit too much, sorry. I think for a while I'd just like to be amongst people who will probably understand me. Relitively speaking as I have a hard time understanding myself. Can i not just live with the most minimal interaction with other people as possible? Is that not ok?
Hi Headspace, I know how you feel about not being able to hold down a job. The speed thing also rings a bell, although you wouldn't think so not eveything in life is about speed.
I see things in a different way to most eveybody I know. I write that has helped me for years, if you look under the thread of 'Do I not have enough proof already' There you will find two pieces of my work, read them and see what you think. I hope you find what you are looking for.