Published on 12, July, 2020
Good evening. I've been a member here for a little while, but not exactly active - I originally joined to try and find out about referral and assessment pathways in my local area. I was diagnosed with Childhood Autism (also specified as ASD for the sake of not confusing people) about a year and a half ago, at the age of 23. I was in and out of psych services from the age of 4, but due to my academic achievement and parental/professional concerns about stigma I wasn't formally diagnosed before this point.
Accepting things has been quite difficult, as I have internalised the "you're normal! Everyone feels like this!" message, and so my inability to cope relative to other people has been 'my own fault', and because I'm 'not good enough'. I have frequently felt I don't deserve this diagnosis and thought about trying to get it removed - though I know, in principle, that this is a form of self-sabotage, and if I'm honest with myself I know that autism is really the only good explanation for my experiences.
I find the lack of post-diagnostic support very difficult to cope with, and feel tremendously isolated at times, as lots of my peers are very confident self-diagnosing, or else celebrate their diagnosis from the time they receive it and have no qualms accepting it as part of their identity, disclosing it, etc. I have not yet been able to utter the words "I am autistic"; only "I have been diagnosed with autism", to remove myself from the process - as though the process of diagnosis is fallible and potentially temporary (which of course, it is, but this doesn't mean it's always, or even usually, wrong).
I don't really know how to move forward from this point, but as I've felt alienated in most online autism-related communities I've tried to participate in so far, I thought I should try out a new place and see if it makes any difference!
Hi Jimmy,
I was late-diagnosed almost two years ago (aged 56). I identify with a lot of what you say. Throughout my life, I've been frustrated in my attempts to integrate with other people. I've even ended doing things that I haven't wanted to do - simply because everyone else my age was doing them (going to pubs and nightclubs) - and still not succeeding in becoming 'one of the crowd.' For many years - up until about my late 30s - I thought there was something wrong with me. Looking back, I can see that I lacked a lot of emotional maturity. And I had contradictions in my life that I could never quite square. I failed miserably at school - yet went on to get a degree in my late 20s. People seemed to like me - but never wanted to be friends with me. That kind of thing.
My diagnosis, on the whole, was a positive thing. At last! Now I can explain my life! I'm happy to tell people I'm autistic - the same as I'd be happy to tell people if I was gay. Like Trainspotter, I embrace my autism. But these things take a certain amount of confidence. Ironically, my diagnosis gave me more confidence. I think it's because at last I had something concrete that I could use to 'explain' myself and my behaviour. I was no longer 'abnormal'. I was simply 'different'.
I agree with Ferret that you sound very self-aware. I share that frustration with being made to feel that I'm 'like everyone else' - as if people still think I'm just making excuses for the way I behave. My brother, for instance, is the king of the 'normalisers'. "Oh yes, I do that. Everyone does." And the other day, a Facebook friend - after I'd admitted to having a meltdown over something - said 'We all have those moments.' I had to explain that I have those moments more than most, and that they're directly linked to my neurological make-up. There's more information out there now, and more awareness - but people will still take a long time to properly understand things. And even if they do understand, I suppose - as with any other condition - they can't really 'get it' unless they have it themselves. Unfortunately, too, there will always be those who don't want to understand. Those who will be prejudiced. Ignorance is everywhere, and some people will never be truly accepting. I have such people in my own family. They're toxic. But I have to have dealings with them, so I try not to let them get me down. We have no choice about our relatives, so it's a good job we can have a choice about our friends!
I hope you won't ever feel alienated from here, Jimmy. I, too, have tried other places and not found them very helpful. This forum has always felt friendly, understanding and safe. Keep talking - that's a good way forwards.
Take good care,
Tom