Published on 12, July, 2020
Good evening. I've been a member here for a little while, but not exactly active - I originally joined to try and find out about referral and assessment pathways in my local area. I was diagnosed with Childhood Autism (also specified as ASD for the sake of not confusing people) about a year and a half ago, at the age of 23. I was in and out of psych services from the age of 4, but due to my academic achievement and parental/professional concerns about stigma I wasn't formally diagnosed before this point.
Accepting things has been quite difficult, as I have internalised the "you're normal! Everyone feels like this!" message, and so my inability to cope relative to other people has been 'my own fault', and because I'm 'not good enough'. I have frequently felt I don't deserve this diagnosis and thought about trying to get it removed - though I know, in principle, that this is a form of self-sabotage, and if I'm honest with myself I know that autism is really the only good explanation for my experiences.
I find the lack of post-diagnostic support very difficult to cope with, and feel tremendously isolated at times, as lots of my peers are very confident self-diagnosing, or else celebrate their diagnosis from the time they receive it and have no qualms accepting it as part of their identity, disclosing it, etc. I have not yet been able to utter the words "I am autistic"; only "I have been diagnosed with autism", to remove myself from the process - as though the process of diagnosis is fallible and potentially temporary (which of course, it is, but this doesn't mean it's always, or even usually, wrong).
I don't really know how to move forward from this point, but as I've felt alienated in most online autism-related communities I've tried to participate in so far, I thought I should try out a new place and see if it makes any difference!
Hello Jimmy, my name is Ferret.
I will tell you what happened when I found out that I was autistic, which was very recent: it was like grief. And is like grief.
One of my beloved cats died around the same time. It was a like punishment.
I sobbed. For days. I was ill, but I was already ill, still am but... The ramifications of what /not/ being diagnosed had effectively had on me and my life, were monumental, and still are. Robbed of a life, of a 'could have been'? Hmmm...
But there was, and is, a massive sense of relief. 'Why' is answered. In fact, all the whys were/are answered. And then the sense, not only of relief, but release. But then more grief. It comes and goes. I too had been told it was all my fault; that things which had happened to me - really not very nice things, which I won't go into because this is open forum - were because, and directly because, I had "invited them" and "caused them".
You sound very self-aware, as demonstrated when you say a form of self-sabotage. You sound like you have a very acute sense of where you are and what stage you are at.
I think also, it comes down to a matter of trust. Trust yourself.
If it helps, you should know that I am wobbling all over the place. I even tried to convince myself the other day - I was half way between the hall and the lounge when it struck, light a bolt out of the blue - that I had it wrong, that I had made it all up, and that what had happened to me in my life was because there was something wrong with me psychologically and the assessment I had gone through and what had been spotted (High Functioning Autism) was all wrong. Truth, funny ol'thing, it can be a bit of a head<censored word>, especially if one has lived one's entire life to a point where every second of every day has been lived under the shadow of a lie - "my own fault". The moment passed, but there is still the lingering self-check there, lurking. You refer to it as the internalised normal...
Give it time. That's all I can say. Your uniqueness, your signature if you wish, is yours, and is different from everyone elses. It's your thumbprint. And you now have to find your voice. It's not an autistic voice, it's yours. Understanding that it's a paradox, helps.
When or if you decide to say: I'm autistic, is purely up to you. Do it in your own time, is all I will say. And also, in my experience, I know when to say it. You might find you need to say it less than you think you do at the moment.
I came straight out, no holds barred because I thought: what have I got to lose? Nothing. But I am a bit of a "I'm Spartacus" type, and because my life experiences have informed me up to this point of I can't stay where and as I am, then the decision was... inevitable. I've always had to fight, perhaps it's just familiar for me to be on my own doing that and whatever comes so be it.
I think when the time is right for you, you will know and you will be comfortable in that knowledge that you are doing what is right for you.
I wish you the very best, and extend a very warm welcome to you as a fellow individual.