Hello all! prepare for the ramble ️

I'm a little anxious writing this as I'm undiagnosed but am more and more sure as time goes by that I have Aspergers.  I'm hoping to be able to share experiences with others to find some clarity!

A bit of background - I've always swung from thinking either I'm a little crazy or everyone else is!  I have never really fit in anywhere, even my own family, and struggle socially.  I get really nervous about trips/holidays/meetings if they are in a new place and hate meeting new people.  I have a few friends through work and a close friend who accepts that I am a little "different".  e.g I didn't go on her hen do as it was out of town.  

i always thought that everybody thought like me but hid it well because they were stronger mentally and that I was weak.  My mind is constantly buzzing and I can only liken this to a spaghetti junction.  I am oversensitive to noise and struggle to be polite if I'm interrupted in a train of thought.  I'm also quite obsessive over different topics until I know all about it/ get near the end of a project and then lose interest.  I always have to doing something like reading as its often the only way to calm my thoughts and focus on one thing.

however, the strange thing is I'm not always like this in my job as s teacher. In the classroom, I am much more confident and can interact with the children and come up with ideas more spontaneously.  On the other hand, I annoy my partner teacher when planning though as I have to reaearch lots of ideas and map out the whole learning journey before beginning.  Everything always has to be perfect or the best.  I also spend weeks agonising over scho trips/visitors etc.

I also have a husband and a five year old but struggle to feel strong emotions.  when I say certain things it's more of a cognitive response than an emotional one as I have to push myself to comment or ask about them.  I know it's the "right" thing to do so I do it because I don't want to upset them.  Most of the time I'm caught up in my own thoughts and I'm happy to do this.  I prefer being on my own actually Which makes me feel really guilty.  

I recently read a brilliant book called House Ruses by Jodi Piccolt and it really helped to open my mind to the possibility of Aspergers.

sorry for rambling - it's nice to finally find a place where I can be honest as I don't talk about this with anyone else.

Thank you to anyone who reads this.  I look forward to meeting people.

L x