Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone,
Just wanted to say a quick hello, since I'm newly diagnosed and finding it tough. I had no idea I was different!! I feel like I'm the only AS person who was clueless that they weren't "normal"
My husband finds it difficult communicating with me, and he did some online research and found that Asperger's was a good fit. Just had it officially diagnosed last month. It left me feeling pretty shocked! But all the pieces make sense now, having been described as 'hard work' when I was a kid and with problems sleeping.
The consultant said that I hide it well, but that all falls apart when I have a temper meltdown Does anyone else suffer with these? Do you have any advice on how my NT partner and myself can handle these? I lose perspective and my tone becomes snappy.
We're based in East Anglia but there aren't many groups listed locally. Any advice you have on an AS/NT partnership would be much appreciated! It can literally be like we're speaking different languages!
Thank you in advance
I identify with the 'losing perspective' bit. Quite often when I have a meltdown I'll find myself saying things like 'I've been queuing for an hour!!!!!' when actually it's been half an hour at most. I don't think it helps that I start 'lying' in a situation like that! Recently I thought of an explanation: I think I'm being honest about my feelings: it feels like an hour, even though it isn't actually.
I'm undiagnosed, so still have doubts I'm really aspie. However I have always felt a bit different. When I was a kid though I thought I was superior: I thought I was different because I have a high IQ. I've had other explanations since. I really hope I'm right about this one though: it does seem the best fit! I first suspected probably 20 years ago, when I heard that not crawling as a baby can be a sign (I never crawled: I shuffled round on my bum instead). Apparently that's not considered a sign anymore, but it got me interested. At first most of what I heard didn't seem to fit me, but I've picked up more and more that does, or come to understand that things I don't feel to be true, might look true from an outside viewpoint.
More recently I've just completed a very difficult course, which included practical assessments. The first assessment weekend included marking on 'people skills'. I failed that section of the course: in fact I ended up having a meltdown at the end though apparently I'd already failed! (And apparently I wasn't the only one who ended up in tears: a couple did on another run of the same weekend). They re-assessed me during later weekends and I managed to pass. I have worked as a tutor before which was helpful (I'm generally the sort of person who can talk to anyone on first meeting, it's longer term things don't work out), but I also did lots of reading about body language etc, some of which 'stuck' I think! They made a comment about me being stressed in a 'new situation' which makes me wonder if they suspect I'm an aspie!
Two books I read then which might be relevant to you:
'Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most' by Stone, Patton and Heen
'That's Not What I Meant!' by Deborah Tannen
They are fairly advanced I think, written for NT's, and I don't think I've become an expert, but maybe if you (and your hubby too) read them you might find some bits that help?
I think the one recomended to aspies a lot of the time is 'How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends' by Don Gabor. Not sure if this would be helpful to you. It's really for starting friendships and socializing at events: I don't think it really helps with long-term relationships. I found it very basic, which was reasuring in a way, but also makes me doubt I am an aspie! Since you are diagnosed, but sound like me in some ways (you sound like you'd be like me in being good at first meeting?), I'd be interested to hear if you found it too basic as well!