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Hello I'm new

PresumingEd85

Hello

I'm a 41 year old man. My wife was late diagnosed with autism a couple of years ago. We have two sons - our 11 year old was diagnosed at 3 and has complex autism while our 9 year old is also on the diagnosis pathway.

I have suspected for a few years that I may be neurodivergent. However, I function well, am generally good at interacting socially and don't have many if any outwardly visible struggles. I do find I am exhausted all the time, interacting feels like an effort and I am always conscious of my body language, facial expression, tone of voice etc in an effort to make sure I come across 'correctly' to others. I feel like I am masking but I'm more worried there's something less identifably wrong with me. I worry I'm genuinely broken.

I've completed online versions of the AQ, AQ-10. RAADS-R and CAT-Q and they all suggest that I'm firmly within the range typical of people with autism. 

I'd like to pursue a diagnosis but I'm afraid. I'm scared that I'm just making this up and wasting time and money.

The worst part is my Wife doesn't believe me. When I first told her I suspected I may have autism / ADHD or both, she simply said 'no you don't' and the conversation stopped there. When I raised it again and tried to express how that had upset me, she said 'do you want to have autism!?' very aggressively before challenging me to waste £2000 on an assessment.

I don't know how to proceed when my Wife, who is pretty much my only friend as well, refuses to acknowledge it let alone support me. 

What can I do?

S

  • PresumingEd85 said:
    I'm scared that I'm just making this up and wasting time and money.

    I scored high on both autism and ADHD tests, too. It was enough for me to pursue an autism assessment as I couldn't cope with living with imposter syndrome (as some of us do). I found an assessor who did the test in two parts, so I didn't have to pay for the adult (more expensive part) of the the assessment had I failed the childhood part. Despite the diagnosis, like many of us, I still wondered whether I was an imposter and somehow the assessor was wrong, but that wore off.

    Your wife might see your desire to have an assessment as a threat to her. Possibly she thinks it's intruding on something that is specifically hers and that it will somehow change your realtionship. It might be worth asking if she's willing to have a few sessions with a couples therapist, as it's such an issue between you. If it's an idea you'd like to pursue, the NAS Directory can help you find an autistic-friendly therapist near you.

  • PresumingEd85 said:
    The worst part is my Wife doesn't believe me. When I first told her I suspected I may have autism / ADHD or both, she simply said 'no you don't' and the conversation stopped there.

    Welcome.

    I am female and diagnosed at 60.

    My male autistic friend who was once my partner didn't think I was autistic. 

    It probably happens quite a lot.

    PresumingEd85 said:
    I don't know how to proceed when my Wife, who is pretty much my only friend as well, refuses to acknowledge it let alone support me. 

    I can't really advise you on this as it's more a relationship issue in my eyes.

    However if you can pursue an assessment without causing a relationship breakdown and would like one then I suggest  you do.

    All the best.