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Existing

Loz12

Hi, I’m new here. I’m 30 and suspect that I am neurodivergent (I’m not sure exactly what my diagnosis would be, I have been on waiting lists for assessment for 2 and a half years) 

I’m tired of merely existing but most of the time, I feel that’s all I am capable of. Why does it take maximum effort and energy for me to just be a person? l hope this makes sense to someone.

Anyway, I am currently working my fifth Admin job and (as with the four previous) I feel my time here is coming to an end. I always come to a point where it becomes almost unbearable to go to work and play pretend with my colleagues and I end up leaving my job. I have this feeling (maybe more of a hope) that I am destined for more than being trapped in an office day in day out, with people I don’t have anything in common with. However, i don’t know what I’m destined to do or how I get there, nor how to find “my people”.

I have tried studying for qualifications that could broaden my horizon, but that usually ends with me being put off the job I thought I wanted, or dropping out (either because I’m bored or overwhelmed I can’t work out which?) 

Does anyone here have any similar feelings or experiences surrounding work and figuring out what you should be doing (aside from just floating around attempting to function in society)?

Thanks in advance x

Parents

  • Hi and welcome, 

    Yes, I can understand what you are talking about. Although in my 70s, I have never had a job that lasted more than 3 years, and that is quite a lot of jobs. There were longish periods of downtime with mental health issues/burn out. 

    For me, and with regard to my recent autism diagnosis, I think I just simply got worn out by jobs after a couple of years. Working with primarily NT but also ND people was the major factor. My most enjoyable and satisfying jobs were in small teams of 2-3. Of course, there were positives as my non-work time was generally my own to use on hobbies, gardening, cooking, etc. These have been the quality parts of my life since I can remember. Time to be inventive, creative, and thrive. 

    If I had to do it all again but with the insight of an autism assessment, I would have probably looked for jobs that were more creative/practical and potentially more rewarding. I might even do it all the same but with the knowledge that a leaving a job is a necessary safety valve, is very OK, and should be done sooner than in extreme circumstances.

  • in reply to Oscar

    Hi Oscar, thank you for sharing! 
    it was nice to read that you understand what I’m saying and that you too have only had jobs that last around 3 years- that seems to be my breaking point too. I’m sorry to hear you also struggle with mental health and burn out. 
    i do think thats part of the problem for me too, i am worn out with acting like my NT peers and there comes a point where i can no longer do this.

    i have been trying to fill my free time with things i enjoy, so that my day to day doesn’t just feel like work, eat, sleep etc, and trying to stay positive.

    I have been thinking about something more practical and more in line with my interests, and you saying you may well have done the same if you had to do it all again is encouraging, thank you.

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  • in reply to Oscar

    Hi Oscar, thank you for sharing! 
    it was nice to read that you understand what I’m saying and that you too have only had jobs that last around 3 years- that seems to be my breaking point too. I’m sorry to hear you also struggle with mental health and burn out. 
    i do think thats part of the problem for me too, i am worn out with acting like my NT peers and there comes a point where i can no longer do this.

    i have been trying to fill my free time with things i enjoy, so that my day to day doesn’t just feel like work, eat, sleep etc, and trying to stay positive.

    I have been thinking about something more practical and more in line with my interests, and you saying you may well have done the same if you had to do it all again is encouraging, thank you.

Children
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