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Loz12

Hi, I’m new here. I’m 30 and suspect that I am neurodivergent (I’m not sure exactly what my diagnosis would be, I have been on waiting lists for assessment for 2 and a half years) 

I’m tired of merely existing but most of the time, I feel that’s all I am capable of. Why does it take maximum effort and energy for me to just be a person? l hope this makes sense to someone.

Anyway, I am currently working my fifth Admin job and (as with the four previous) I feel my time here is coming to an end. I always come to a point where it becomes almost unbearable to go to work and play pretend with my colleagues and I end up leaving my job. I have this feeling (maybe more of a hope) that I am destined for more than being trapped in an office day in day out, with people I don’t have anything in common with. However, i don’t know what I’m destined to do or how I get there, nor how to find “my people”.

I have tried studying for qualifications that could broaden my horizon, but that usually ends with me being put off the job I thought I wanted, or dropping out (either because I’m bored or overwhelmed I can’t work out which?) 

Does anyone here have any similar feelings or experiences surrounding work and figuring out what you should be doing (aside from just floating around attempting to function in society)?

Thanks in advance x

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  • Hi Loz,

    I'm 69, diagnosed a couple of months ago, and suspected I was autistic for three or four years.  Now retired (early) after having had nine jobs over the years in the electronics world.  Looking back, I realise I was paddling as fast as I could but never really fitting in, even in the military, which might have worked for some autistics, as there was little decision-making required of me.  Later, at 56, I got a Master's degree in a social science and intended to change direction, but early retirement beckoned two years later.

    So, in your case, you do at least think you have an issue (unlike me, all I thought was that I was different/weird and never really fit in with the herd), so you can pursue a diagnosis and work on life from there.  Knowing, I believe, is far better than not, although the diagnosis did unleash some unexpected negative feelings for me.  But now I am moving on and looking forward to whatever life has for me.  Boredom is usually solved by challenging oneself with a task, project, or coursework that is a stretch to achieve.  Equally, pushing too hard without structure and in an environment that is not supportive can be harmful.  So, be kind to yourself whilst this part of your life is resolved.  And remember that there are a lot of people here that have had similar experiences to you that are happy to share/advise.

  • in reply to Iago

    Hi Lago, thank you for sharing! I agree I think knowing is better than not, and I am hoping I will have answers soon. I’m sorry you had some negative feelings come up post diagnosis, but I am glad you are looking to the future with positivity! 
    I do think the key is structure and a supportive environment if I am to pursue something new but I feel I’ve not found that for myself yet in the world of employment, maybe after diagnosis I can find this support. Thanks again!

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  • in reply to Iago

    Hi Lago, thank you for sharing! I agree I think knowing is better than not, and I am hoping I will have answers soon. I’m sorry you had some negative feelings come up post diagnosis, but I am glad you are looking to the future with positivity! 
    I do think the key is structure and a supportive environment if I am to pursue something new but I feel I’ve not found that for myself yet in the world of employment, maybe after diagnosis I can find this support. Thanks again!

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