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Hello and why are words so difficult

Freya-fs

Hi all

I am new, late diagnosed and have totally underestimated the impact of the diagnosis. A friend said to me a few months ago "I think I am autistic and I think you might be too". I have been through burnout in the last 2 years due to work related problems, a lot of gaslighting by junior colleagues and finally a grievance. I had asked for help from my line managers. Lot's of "sure we help you, but we can't do that". It was very very hard. I worked through it at my own expense (private counselling) and a lot of sheer will. When my friend mentioned autism I thought, if I had a diagnosis there would be something like leverage, if I needed help again in the future.

Now I have the diagnosis and I am lost... It is so much to learn. So much to understand. I feel I need help to understand, it is draining my energy, at the same time I am unable to put it into words. I can't say: I am autistic. I can write it, but I can't say it.

All my life (I am 47) there was this glimmer of hope, if I just learned more, worked harder I will be able to be ... A good communicator... A good leader... A good friend...etc. Now, it feels like I like a no. All that hard work, all that energy I put in...  I cause harm to myself by trying but will never get there... Inherently and in my environment, I will probably never get there.

Although, I get that this is wrongly striving to be neuro typical, it just feels like a loss.

I am trying to move on but find it difficult.

Any advice?

Parents

  • Good afternoon Freya,

    My diagnosis was a couple of months ago at the age of 69, and like you, it was an unsettling time.  I had suspected for some years and had tried a couple of times to get an assessment, but the public health system (unusually) failed me on this one.  So, I went from suspecting and being at ease with that to being confirmed, and the world seemed to stop!  There is a world of difference, at least for me, between suspecting and confirmation, it turns out.

    Now, having spent time reflecting on the past and realising that several events were definitely autism related, I have also realised that it is futile to dwell on something that cannot be changed.  Also, there is no 'new' me, simply me with more knowledge about myself than before diagnosis.  With that in mind, I am aware of how autism affects me and am learning what I can do to deal with the negatives.  I'm certainly more relaxed about my status now, and I can see that the future is not bad or impossible to face.

    Unlike you, I am retired and don't have to navigate the world of work now, but looking back, I can remember times when I was convinced that my boss was going to fire me, and the anxiety was extreme and all-consuming.  Knowing now that I am autistic, I strongly feel that I would have been better able to deal with those events, sure they would have happened but equally I would have known about my autism and thing I would have had a firm base to deal with it.

    We are all unique, and several people, in answering you here, have described different aspects of autism as it affects them.  You, no doubt, will feel some aspects fit you well whilst others not at all; this is normal because we are unique.  I will repeat the best advice, in my opinion, to take your time coming to terms with this new reality and to be kind to yourself.

Reply

  • Good afternoon Freya,

    My diagnosis was a couple of months ago at the age of 69, and like you, it was an unsettling time.  I had suspected for some years and had tried a couple of times to get an assessment, but the public health system (unusually) failed me on this one.  So, I went from suspecting and being at ease with that to being confirmed, and the world seemed to stop!  There is a world of difference, at least for me, between suspecting and confirmation, it turns out.

    Now, having spent time reflecting on the past and realising that several events were definitely autism related, I have also realised that it is futile to dwell on something that cannot be changed.  Also, there is no 'new' me, simply me with more knowledge about myself than before diagnosis.  With that in mind, I am aware of how autism affects me and am learning what I can do to deal with the negatives.  I'm certainly more relaxed about my status now, and I can see that the future is not bad or impossible to face.

    Unlike you, I am retired and don't have to navigate the world of work now, but looking back, I can remember times when I was convinced that my boss was going to fire me, and the anxiety was extreme and all-consuming.  Knowing now that I am autistic, I strongly feel that I would have been better able to deal with those events, sure they would have happened but equally I would have known about my autism and thing I would have had a firm base to deal with it.

    We are all unique, and several people, in answering you here, have described different aspects of autism as it affects them.  You, no doubt, will feel some aspects fit you well whilst others not at all; this is normal because we are unique.  I will repeat the best advice, in my opinion, to take your time coming to terms with this new reality and to be kind to yourself.

Children
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