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New Here and Don't have an official diagnosis

DafyddKear

Hey everyone, I'm new to this website/forum and just want to introduce myself. I don't have an official autism diagnosis, more depression and crippling social anxiety, but I seem to fit many of the criteria for autism and my younger brother and father are both autistic so I likely am as well.

I am a 27 year old man with no friends, no social life and no job and I still live with my parents, so making friends is a bit difficult for me. I struggle with self confidence issues but would like to begin making friends, even if they are online for now.

My family are helpful and supportive, but I am a romantic at heart and would desperately like a girlfriend and wife, something my autism and self confidence issues don't help with. I am here to start socialising in a secure environment as a start on this road.

My interests would probably be considered stereotypical for autistic men, being video games, reading, trains (particularly steam), model railways and history.

Parents

  • Bora Da.

    Welcome.  It is a safe and interesting forum, for sure.

    Relationships?  All I can say, as a veteran of two marriages and one divorce, is that they are hard; even NT people will say that.  But be yourself and find a way to put yourself around where people are, and in time someone will come along.  Just don't be hard on yourself if it doesn't happen quickly; it often happens at the most unexpected moment.

    You may be an archetype with those interests, but I know several women who share those.  Sure, not as many as the men, but they are out there.  Life does seem to put things in our way so that we trip over opportunities from time to time.  The trick is recognising them and letting it happen.  Good luck, and be kind to yourself.

  • in reply to Iago

    Thank you for the kind words and suggestions. It's the being too hard on myself that's my main issue at the moment, alongside the putting myself around people. But I am planning to start getting out a bit more. I hope to learn to recognise those opportunities when I can.

    Without going too deep into it, it is very much the 'not happening quickly' that I have problems with, and it's why I given up on so many things during my life. I struggle to maintain motivation if I don't see results quickly enough, but that is something I am hoping to get over, and I have taken steps towards doing so.

  • in reply to DafyddKear

    It takes a long time to realise that taking care of yourself is important and definitely not a weakness.  Putting it another way, I was taught as a serviceman not to put myself in harm's way to rescue a colleague.  The usual result would be two injured people to deal with, so far better dealing with the problem that caused the first casualty and then get back to him.  But we are human, and we are programmed to help others, put them first.  Very laudable and normal, but if the downside is damage to oneself, then shouldn't you take a step back and sort yourself out first before you are able to be of use to the others?

    As for the desire for 'instant gratification'?  I get it; most of us are guilty of that.  But it's also true that the best things are those that have an element of struggle to achieve, don't you think?  Sure, getting a helicopter ride to the top of a mountain is cool, but would the sense of achievement be as high as actually climbing it?  My hobby is photography, and it's taken me well over 20 years to get to the point where I would say that I am better than competent.  The struggle to understand cameras and all the theory that goes with it is rewarded with the ability to know how and when the rules can, and even should, be broken.  Life and relationships are like that in a way, doubly so as an ND person struggling to understand the unwritten (often unknowable) rules of dating and relationships.  But trust me when I say that given time, and a few false starts along the way, you'll more than likely get there.

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  • in reply to DafyddKear

    It takes a long time to realise that taking care of yourself is important and definitely not a weakness.  Putting it another way, I was taught as a serviceman not to put myself in harm's way to rescue a colleague.  The usual result would be two injured people to deal with, so far better dealing with the problem that caused the first casualty and then get back to him.  But we are human, and we are programmed to help others, put them first.  Very laudable and normal, but if the downside is damage to oneself, then shouldn't you take a step back and sort yourself out first before you are able to be of use to the others?

    As for the desire for 'instant gratification'?  I get it; most of us are guilty of that.  But it's also true that the best things are those that have an element of struggle to achieve, don't you think?  Sure, getting a helicopter ride to the top of a mountain is cool, but would the sense of achievement be as high as actually climbing it?  My hobby is photography, and it's taken me well over 20 years to get to the point where I would say that I am better than competent.  The struggle to understand cameras and all the theory that goes with it is rewarded with the ability to know how and when the rules can, and even should, be broken.  Life and relationships are like that in a way, doubly so as an ND person struggling to understand the unwritten (often unknowable) rules of dating and relationships.  But trust me when I say that given time, and a few false starts along the way, you'll more than likely get there.

Children
  • in reply to Iago

    I hope I'll get there, it's been my one desire throughout my entire life, ever since I was young. But I've struggled with depression and anxiety on top of just being autistic/ND, also probably partially caused by it, that began when I was around 13/14. This doesn't help with the 'instant gratification' issue, as it makes any failure to achieve immediately as a failure of being, and that spirals into deeper depression and anxiety. 

    But, as I said, I am taking steps to deal with those issues and to get out a bit more. Hopefully this'll deal with the self-loathing and self-esteem issues that cause many problems for me.