The penny drops, but what now?

Yeah, life can suck at times!  Or at least, so it seems if I let it.  Six weeks on from my diagnosis at aged 69 and I am more or less fine with it now.  At first I was surprised at how down I got, despite suspecting for several years.  But then, having it confirmed is different from maybe?  

Now I am slowly building a network of trusted people I have told, which means that it will likely leak to the wider world sooner or later, I'm sure.  Am I fine with that?  Guess so, or at least I started the ball rolling, so I can't complain where it comes to rest, can I?

The one thing I am learning about our shared thing, autism, is that no two people are the same.  That's good, as diversity beats the crap out of boredom, but not so good for having helpful relevant experience that neatly fits with others.  Like you, I have revisited past events and had one or two 'Ah-ha!' moments.  But I am also questioning whether I am more atypical than most (oh all right, I am trying to be the exception that proves the rule, or perhaps just bloody-minded) since my symptoms/problems are less severe in comparison to many others?  Maybe, in addition to imposter syndrome, I am just a fraud?  Who knows?  And actually, who cares?  Cynical?  Maybe, but after diagnosis, it is tempting to think that we are just cast aside and left to deal with the fallout alone, and that is true to an extent, as what else can be done as we wrestle with this new truth about ourselves?

I've just come back from a small breakfast gathering which I sat through almost mute, but also with more understanding of myself and the reasons why so much of what was happening around me was hard to deal with- well, harder than for NT people.  For me, at least, this journey is a learning one, and in an odd way enjoyable too.  I hope you get to find a way to enjoy life as well.

I suppose I am struggling with what to do about telling people. With my non-diagnosis, I don't want to seem like I'm attention-seeking. I am worried that people will treat me negatively. So, I've only discussed it with my close family. I haven't mentioned anything to siblings, relatives or close friends (well, maybe the occasional hint). I'm aware that once the cat is out of the bag, you can't put it back.
When I was a student fresher, people would ask each other what subject they studied. When I replied "Electronics", they would inevitably "go get another drink and be back later". They didn't return. I soon learned to make up a cooler subject. One of my favourites was Politics, which I could easily bluff, before changing the topic of conversation. Why do I mention this? Because I fear that mentioning Autism would have the same effect.

It's a truism that what other people think about you is none of your business.  It took me a while to hoist that on board and accept it, and once I did, I relaxed a good deal on the whole issue of what other people think.  That's not to say that we get a free pass on human relations; clearly, if we want to have friends and relationships, we do need to be mindful of how we are perceived.  Perhaps I also have the luxury of being older and retired; social norms about old fellas are somewhat different from others; I am allowed to be a cranky old git sometimes!    But it doesn't change our internal feelings, especially about something we have carried around all our lives, and revealing that there is something different, extra, if you will, about us is a new experience for everyone affected, I think. 

So far it has gone well with those I have told, bar one, and he is such a minor acquaintance that it matters not a lot.  Also, most people's favourite subject is themselves, so learning a new thing about another human often ranks quite low on their priority list.  Of course, there are ignorant (in the uneducated sense) people who will react badly, but on the whole the people we choose as friends will be sufficiently similar to ourselves for that not to be much of a problem.  Families, on the other hand........  

Why people run away from those who study technical subjects is a mystery to me.  I worked in electronics all my life, got an ONC and thought I'd get myself a degree.  Crashed and burned spectacularly in that endeavour but did manage to get myself a Master's in a social science decades later.  We are all different; I get deeply involved and passionate about politics to the point that I am drawn into arguments with those with other ideas!  So, in a week or so, I am deleting my FB account to stop the drama that is so draining and unnecessary.

I think that whatever direction you choose is the right one.  Tell people or don't.  Lose possible conversation partners because they are narrow-minded or mask and be something you are not.  Your choice.  Just be kind to yourself.

It's a truism that what other people think about you is none of your business.  It took me a while to hoist that on board and accept it, and once I did, I relaxed a good deal on the whole issue of what other people think.  That's not to say that we get a free pass on human relations; clearly, if we want to have friends and relationships, we do need to be mindful of how we are perceived.  Perhaps I also have the luxury of being older and retired; social norms about old fellas are somewhat different from others; I am allowed to be a cranky old git sometimes!    But it doesn't change our internal feelings, especially about something we have carried around all our lives, and revealing that there is something different, extra, if you will, about us is a new experience for everyone affected, I think. 

So far it has gone well with those I have told, bar one, and he is such a minor acquaintance that it matters not a lot.  Also, most people's favourite subject is themselves, so learning a new thing about another human often ranks quite low on their priority list.  Of course, there are ignorant (in the uneducated sense) people who will react badly, but on the whole the people we choose as friends will be sufficiently similar to ourselves for that not to be much of a problem.  Families, on the other hand........  

Why people run away from those who study technical subjects is a mystery to me.  I worked in electronics all my life, got an ONC and thought I'd get myself a degree.  Crashed and burned spectacularly in that endeavour but did manage to get myself a Master's in a social science decades later.  We are all different; I get deeply involved and passionate about politics to the point that I am drawn into arguments with those with other ideas!  So, in a week or so, I am deleting my FB account to stop the drama that is so draining and unnecessary.

I think that whatever direction you choose is the right one.  Tell people or don't.  Lose possible conversation partners because they are narrow-minded or mask and be something you are not.  Your choice.  Just be kind to yourself.