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Social Motivation

Alexander1976
  1. Hi, I'm Alexander, late diagnosed autistic (and adhd combined - its interesting lol). 
  2. As I approach 50 years old I've reflected, in depth obviously lol, on social motivation. I have always been socially motivated. What do I mean by this ? I have always had a strong desire to have friends , and belong to a social group. Unfortunately, my hardware, and software, aren't really set up for it. This means I get a burst of energy (thanks adhd) to start doing something socially. I meet people, start making friendships/friendly acquaintances. This often lasts for maybe a year to 2 years. Then something happens and it all goes wrong. Attempting to work it out, fox it, rationalise it, becomes extremely challenging & exhausting. So I just drift away and lost contact with the people. I then go through a social burnout period that can last as long as the time engaging with others. 
  3. Does this gel with any off you ? What can we do about it ? Or is it just about managing expectations? 
  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    It's the small talk for me, and the relational.politics.

  • in reply to Alexa

    Low maintenance friends are great lol

  • in reply to Alexa

    I don't have ADHD, but I struggle with friendships for the same reasons as Alexa, especially withthe interests bit and the not keeping up with their family's and stuff like that.

    I have the added complications, of not drinking alcohol, being vegetarian and having loads of food allergies too.

    I also find people smell, perfumes and laundry products, that catch my throat and make me wheeze.

  • There are various reasons why things go wrong for me:
    (1) I fail to maintain interest in friend's families/lives and just don't keep up the birthday/Christmas cards and 'touching base' small talk contacts.
    (2) something big happens in my life and I can't attend to other things for a few months or year or more. 
    (3) I rely a lot on other people initiating conversations and talking but sometimes I become exhausted by that.

    I really must find a group with common interests, yet most common 'interests' don't interest me at all. Then, there is that hurdle of jumping from meeting within such a group to meeting alone; I probably either move too early (ADHD impatience) or too late (autism caution). And the horror of finding you might have made a mistake.

    Funnily, I do have one close friend who began as a 'this is a mistake' when I finally met them (we got to know each other online). We didn't get together again for a few years and then became good friends. The sort where I can not see them for months and they won't resent it because they have busy lives.

  • in reply to Lonehare12

    Yes, thats another conversation in the making right there..if we have the skills why does it go wrong ? Do we just not recognised the good people from the bad at times? Or are we just not compatible with non autistics ?

  • Hi 

    I totally get this, I have AuDHD too. I think the ADHD drives the need to be around people and socialise, but sometimes my autism prevents me from engaging in everything that I would like to and I feel hopelessly behind in lots of social situations, either I don't understand conversations or by the time I've processed what's being said the conversation has moved on which doesn't instil confidence moving forward. Maybe meeting with in person autistic groups is the only way froward, at least it's a level playing field. It is all very exhausting though I agree, it's a very fine balance but it sounds like you have the skills to make friendships and it is a two way gate so its not all on you to keep things going.Blush