I have booked a double appointment with my GP at the end of August. In noticing Autistic traits in my daughter I recognised I felt very familiar with all the struggles I've ever had. And for the first time ever in my life I felt like this one thing explained everything. On day one I was so convinced but I knew I'd have an uphill battle convincing my husband. I have clearly learned to socialise well because the reaction I got from his Mum was VERY skeptical (she thinks I have PTSD) and my husband though he has hidden it better doesn't sound convinced. I suppose what I am getting at is this.... I keep getting massive waves of imposter syndrome and the temptation to cancel this appointment is so strong. The reason I haven't is because now I feel like I've started something for my daughter. For the first time I think she feels heard.
This is a very long road. And I keep seeing stories of woman especially who are high masking enough that didn't get the diagnosis. I know you can get a second opinion but I think this would absolutely crush me.
I never called it masking, as I never even knew I was doing it, it is only now I am shining the spotlight I can see it for what it is. I wanted to fit in, be accepted and never really did. I think it's confusing for me as I believe I come form a family of autistics (undiagnosed). We have all managed, we all mask I think or maybe that was MY normal. But none of us have ever lived the 9-5 job, socialising in the evening lifestyle, watching football, going partying, infact that's alien to us all.
Anyway I am not sure where I am going with this. I am so scared I am going to be crushed and I hate all this uncertainty surrounding not having a diagnosis. I absolutely don't want to think I am autistic if I am not 100% sure I am, and obviously all people's experiences are different.
I am bordering on obsessive about this, I can't unsee it now. I feel like I've opened Pandora's box and now I am aware of what I am doing all the time. Like now eye contact is super complicated, how much did I look before, I don't know I think it was unconscious but now I'm thinking about it. I am much more aware of my inner commentary when having conversations with people.
Is this amount of imposter syndrome also normal, and how do I get through it. Would it be better to stop while I am ahead. Why does it hurt so damn much to hear even a little skepticism (maybe this is just a me problem)
