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Newly Discovered

Noodlerabbit88

I have booked a double appointment with my GP at the end of August. In noticing Autistic traits in my daughter I recognised I felt very familiar with all the struggles I've ever had. And for the first time ever in my life I felt like this one thing explained everything. On day one I was so convinced but I knew I'd have an uphill battle convincing my husband. I have clearly learned to socialise well because the reaction I got from his Mum was VERY skeptical (she thinks I have PTSD) and my husband though he has hidden it better doesn't sound convinced. I suppose what I am getting at is this.... I keep getting massive waves of imposter syndrome and the temptation to cancel this appointment is so strong. The reason I haven't is because now I feel like I've started something for my daughter. For the first time I think she feels heard.

This is a very long road. And I keep seeing stories of woman especially who are high masking enough that didn't get the diagnosis. I know you can get a second opinion but I think this would absolutely crush me.

I never called it masking, as I never even knew I was doing it, it is only now I am shining the spotlight I can see it for what it is. I wanted to fit in, be accepted and never really did. I think it's confusing for me as I believe I come form a family of autistics (undiagnosed). We have all managed, we all mask I think or maybe that was MY normal. But none of us have ever lived the 9-5 job, socialising in the evening lifestyle, watching football, going partying, infact that's alien to us all. 

Anyway I am not sure where I am going with this. I am so scared I am going to be crushed and I hate all this uncertainty surrounding not having a diagnosis. I absolutely don't want to think I am autistic if I am not 100% sure I am, and obviously all people's experiences are different. 

I am bordering on obsessive about this, I can't unsee it now. I feel like I've opened Pandora's box and now I am aware of what I am doing all the time. Like now eye contact is super complicated, how much did I look before, I don't know I think it was unconscious but now I'm thinking about it. I am much more aware of my inner commentary when having conversations with people.

Is this amount of imposter syndrome also normal, and how do I get through it. Would it be better to stop while I am ahead. Why does it hurt so damn much to hear even a little skepticism (maybe this is just a me problem)

  • in reply to Noodlerabbit88

    I remember banging my head because of baby crying. I had that sensation if my brain shaking. I had no idea at that time that I might be autistic.  But I remember when I was pregnant I prayed, that my daughter is not weirdo like me. And I also told that my therapist. He seems very curious to see if I get the diagnosis (he can't assess me himself) I'm married but some of the success I achieved in life does not make everyday struggles irrelevant. For example constant misunderstandings, verbal and non verbal,  me being bullied and  abused at work, me not being able to function like everyone else and take part in family life like I should. I also have no friends and I sit always alone on the playground while my daughter plays with her friends.  I'm happy she has them. I didn't.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    Exactly... so I would consider my Mum in law and husband neurotypical. They've known me for 17 years now. I think in a lot of ways they just think this is my normal. They have no idea my internal struggles. the only time it truely came out and led to them thinking PTSD is because of my children when they were babies. I had meltdowns nearly every day - we even called them meltdowns despite knowing nothing about them. The noise of a crying baby, especially a noise I have to deal with sent me raging. How do i sooth a baby when I myself need soothing! Everyone thought I had post natel depression... But I've had meltdowns of a similar nature (more private ones) over dogs barking, mosquitos in my room, the printer not working properly. Have to laugh really they're so trivial. 

    I love your mandela by the way, I used to do a similar thing when I was younger. I now like to do paint by numbers, very soothing. I am trying to kinda keep my mind busy.

  • Hi, welcome to the community! What you described is exactly what I have been going through. My appointment is in autumn. I also got temptations to cancell it. I also struggled with imposter. And I used to regret that I see it in me. And I also come from a family with more people ND/ autistic traits,  but undiagnosed. So many things that I heard from others about me being weird are not being considered weird by my mom. 

    I helped myself with this painful obsessive thinking by getting myself busy with something else. It's not that easy but it works for me. I wrnt back on track with my universe, and aliens. I also found it relaxing watching production processes and recently discovered coloring mandala a wonderful activity that relaxes. I love this pattern repetition. This one from yesterday evening. 

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thank you so much I will give those all a read :)

  • Hi and welcome to the community! Wave

    There are plenty of late-diagnosed and late-realised people here, so you're in good company!

    It's not at unusual to feel how you currently do, including in respect of imposter syndrome (which I'll come back to, below).

    While you wait for your assessment, you might find these NAS resources helpful. They explain the main signs / symptoms / characteristics of autism, so could be helpful for identifying and noting down, ready for your assessment, any additional things that you might recognise in yourself:

    NAS - What is autism?

    NAS - Signs that a child or adult may be autistic - includes over 60 signs

    This article might also be helpful:

    NAS - Autistic women and girls

    It includes, for example:

    "Autistic characteristics in women and girls may differ from those of other autistic people. They might seem to have fewer social difficulties than autistic men and boys, but this could be because they are more likely to 'mask' their autistic traits (though the stress of doing so can result in anxiety and overwhelm)"

    You might also find the resources in the NAS's diagnosis hub helpful - they cover all stages of the process and include, for example:

    NAS - What can I do while waiting for an autism assessment

    Many of us have also experienced imposter syndrome / doubts about whether or not we're autistic. We can experience it both before and after diagnosis, and not necessarily only for one period of time. You might find these resources helpful:

    NAS - How will I feel after receiving an autism diagnosis - includes an example of someone else discussing their experience of imposter syndrome. 

    Psychology Today - Why do I feel like an imposter after my autism diagnosis? - 6 ways to overcome imposter syndrome after a later-in-life autism diagnosis

    Authentically Emily - Autistic imposter syndrome