Not diagnosed

Hello JulieA,

I haven't got an answer for you as such. The following are just my thoughts:

If the following were the 2 main reasons for the outcome then if was me, I would wish to ask the provider:
How "I communicated well” was seen as a sign of neurotypicality and what does “communicated” and "well" mean in this context.  As can be seen on this website neuro-diverse people are nearly always sound, clear, and accurate communicators although they may not generally look you in the eye whilst communicating.
Also, I would want to ask whether and how “very nice” fits in to one, or more, of the assessment criteria.
I know my assessment ran to many pages and the devil was in the detail - even when simply looking at pictures in a book; I did it in a characteristically autistic way but was totally unaware of the fact.
Just one last thought.
For 4 years I had been thinking, on and off, about pursuing an assessment or not. So, by the time I went to assessment I felt ready and was conscious that I would need to leave my usual masking self outside the building and be my other private rather vulnerable self that nobody really knows but me. On the day, this was more of an intuitive thing based on the cosiness of the building, the thoughtfulness of the assessor, the lighting, the glass of water, the colour of the room, etc.   
I guess, on the day, people may be just too good at masking, too nervous, too tired, too worried, etc.  Or even just female, as they mask better or is that diferently, to men.

Oscar said:

I felt ready and was conscious that I would need to leave my usual masking self outside the building and be my other private rather vulnerable self that nobody really knows but me.

That's the most painful (for me) thing about approaching a diagnosis (which is still to be done). It's having to lay aside all of one's carefully crafted defences and dredge up the memeories we fend off because they're painful. It's having to drop the masking we've built up for years or decades and have never dropped before. It's having to parade the things that have caused us shame and guilt and that stuff is exhausting to deal with and won't just go back into the box afterwards.

Sorry if I misled you. It can be so hard for me to explain myself at times. My showing my autistic side, as best I could, was a choice because it felt like the right time and a safe place.  I paid for a private assessment when the wait of my NHS assessment was moved further away. 
The questions seemed to be designed to casually illicit responses.  When I obviously didn't understand a question it was reframed so I could. There were small activities too. Different tests, mine was the ADOS, will probably have different setups.
It was not like a quiz more like a tutorial, to and fro. However, it certainly wasn't anything like a counselling session and I never felt pressurised at any time. Being the focus of it all was the hardest thing and tiring. Then again I had a taxi & train journey there and back and it was very cold travelling.  

Ah! I now understand a little more. The imposter syndrome is rather cruel,  unfair and hard to perhaps address other than by a diagnosis. I have never been comfortable taking my clothes off in public nor shedding masks. As you say, here is a place that feels safe.  

Ah! I now understand a little more. The imposter syndrome is rather cruel,  unfair and hard to perhaps address other than by a diagnosis. I have never been comfortable taking my clothes off in public nor shedding masks. As you say, here is a place that feels safe.