Hi all,
I received my diagnosis a couple weeks ago and at first I was relieved and happy because I felt like I had answers to my lifelong struggles, particularly with friendships. But now I am feeling a lot of grief and getting trapped into the mindset that I will always be like this and it can't be 'fixed.'
In school I had usually one best friend and one time a small quirky group that didn't last. Due to family problems, I was moved schools 3 times and therefore my sense of self and friendships getting being disrupted and making me more anxious and more self-contained with my emotions. Today, I have one friend who I keep in touch with but our meetups are very rare and she has a thriving social life (she's neurotypical) which I must admit I am jealous of. Not because of how many friends she has but because it seems so easy for her and I can't understand it.
I can get on well enough with my work colleagues but the culture there is weird. Aside from mini chats about our weekends, there aren't deeper connections. I find it so hard to form friendships and desperately want them. In the past I have cut friends off because they have shown a lack of effort or care for my feelings. For example, one friend lied saying she was sick to avoid travelling to see me and went out with other people. Another friend I had didn't reply to my messages for 20 days and when I expressed why this hurt she gaslit me. So I guess I have just given up hope from being let down by people.
I have a supportive boyfriend. He has a couple of friends he kept since university. Though he sees them rarely, he never feels lonely. I try to accept being independant and go to concerts on my own etc. but I can't ignore my desire for deep friendship. I have joined some ND communities like meetup and got some numbers but nothing meaningful has come from it yet. Often you meet new people each time and it's like starting from square one. I have also tried Bumble and same story - you message someone for a while and then they ghost.
Does anyone relate or have advise? I'm sick of feeling so restless and like I'm missing out on friendships. I am fun, bubbly and kind. I just take the 'right' people to make the effort with me.
