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Just diagnosed - 24 (F)

kittencuddles21

Hi all, 

I received my diagnosis a couple weeks ago and at first I was relieved and happy because I felt like I had answers to my lifelong struggles, particularly with friendships. But now I am feeling a lot of grief and getting trapped into the mindset that I will always be like this and it can't be 'fixed.' 

In school I had usually one best friend and one time a small quirky group that didn't last. Due to family problems, I was moved schools 3 times and therefore my sense of self and friendships getting being disrupted and making me more anxious and more self-contained with my emotions. Today, I have one friend who I keep in touch with but our meetups are very rare and she has a thriving social life (she's neurotypical) which I must admit I am jealous of. Not because of how many friends she has but because it seems so easy for her and I can't understand it. 

I can get on well enough with my work colleagues but the culture there is weird. Aside from mini chats about our weekends, there aren't deeper connections. I find it so hard to form friendships and desperately want them. In the past I have cut friends off because they have shown a lack of effort or care for my feelings. For example, one friend lied saying she was sick to avoid travelling to see me and went out with other people. Another friend I had didn't reply to my messages for 20 days and when I expressed why this hurt she gaslit me. So I guess I have just given up hope from being let down by people. 

I have a supportive boyfriend. He has a couple of friends he kept since university. Though he sees them rarely, he never feels lonely. I try to accept being independant and go to concerts on my own etc. but I can't ignore my desire for deep friendship. I have joined some ND communities like meetup and got some numbers but nothing meaningful has come from it yet. Often you meet new people each time and it's like starting from square one. I have also tried Bumble and same story - you message someone for a while and then they ghost.

Does anyone relate or have advise? I'm sick of feeling so restless and like I'm missing out on friendships. I am fun, bubbly and kind. I just take the 'right' people to make the effort with me. 

  • Hi, recently diagnosed (26M).

    I spend most of my time alone. I have a lot of exciting hobbies that I do by myself and my work keeps me very busy. I have things to do, ambitions and also scheduled-things to plan for.

    Recognising my strengths and appreciating my own company is most important for me. The last time that I had a ‘friend’ was when I was in primary-school. So probably 2 decades ago. In-between that time and now, I have never gotten used to seeing others enjoy each other’s company, whilst I can only dream about sharing feelings with someone else.

    There are positives to being autistic. For me, my attention-to-detail is second to none, I have exceptional ability with maths, recalling dates, times, and I have a deep passion for learning.

    I keep very fit, and that’s of paramount import. Keeping a fit, healthy body, with the initial decision to do so coming from the mind supports maintaining emotional and/or physical stability.

    The hardest thing is sometimes to keep patience. Because excitement can cause impulsive action, and uncontrolled action leads to mistakes and missing the target.

    I think what I am trying to type is: you can’t stop to think about the deep loneliness in which you find yourself. Life does not sit around and wait for you to catch-up.

    Take care, be safe, enjoy the sunshine. Wear your sun-cream and drink water.

  • Dear kittencuddles21,

    Welcome to the community, it is really great to have you here!  I am really sorry to hear that you are currently experiencing grief over your diagnosis, please know that you are not alone and many people have mixed feelings when receiving an autism diagnosis. I can understand why some of your experiences with friendship have been difficult, but I am glad to hear that you have a supportive boyfriend.

     I thought I would share some signposts that may be worth taking a look at:

    I hope this helps,

    Olivia Mod