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Introduction - dropping the mask

coolbanana

Hi everyone,

I’m new to the forum, so I wanted to introduce myself. I’m a 52-year-old man, and I’m here because I’m trying to understand autistic burnout and what recovery might realistically look like.

I’ve had a lot of good things in my life. I have a beautiful, very supportive partner and two lovely children, one of whom is autistic. I’ve also spent much of my working life working with autistic young people, and I think I suspected (or knew) I was autistic from the moment I started doing that work. There was a recognition there that I couldn’t quite ignore. Within my professional sphere I'm senior and well respected - but that being said I don't feel able to continue.

What I didn’t appreciate, though, was the degree to which I was masking. I think I built a life around coping, adapting, reading situations, managing other people’s expectations, and pushing through. For a long time I could do it, or at least I thought I could. But now I feel like I can’t do it anymore.

At the moment I’m really struggling. I’m finding it hard to get out of bed, I’m exhausted all the time, and my sleep is all over the place: sometimes I sleep a lot, and sometimes I barely sleep at all. My hair is falling out, and I have high blood pressure. I've changed frorm someone who was comfortable managing a team or speaking in front of a grouo od expers, and right now I struggle to organise and cook a simple meal. I know some of that needs proper medical attention, and I’m not looking for medical advice here, but I do feel as though my body and mind are telling me very clearly that I can’t carry on as I have been. It's deeply unsettling. I don't know who I am any more.

The exhaustion feels deeper than ordinary tiredness. Things I used to manage now feel much harder, and I’m trying to understand what has happened without turning it into self-blame. I’m also trying to work out what recovery means when masking has been such a big part of how I got through life.

I’d really value hearing from other autistic adults, especially people who have experienced burnout in midlife or after years of masking. How did you recognise what was happening? What helped you recover or reduce the pressure? Were there things you had to stop doing, change, or accept? And where am I meant to turn for help?

I’m not looking for medical advice, just lived experience and peer support from people who understand this from the inside. I’m hoping this might be a place where I can be honest, learn from others, and feel a bit less alone.

Thanks for reading.

Parents

  • Welcome. It is good you will be getting medical advice.

    In respect of burnout, I have worked most of my life and most of those jobs have involved challenge and working with people. I now only have contact by phone or email. I am in my sixties and as time has gone on I have found things difficult.

    In recent years I have had to take time off work for long periods three times due to burnout. Each time felt more difficult than the last. I was not sure last time if I could even return to work. The exhaustion was so great at the beginning that it was difficult to get out of bed and do almost everything. I am fortunate to have a partner who filled in the gaps at the start. After I had been off for a while I felt I may be able to return with some adjustments. It is early days for me and I am on a phased return and trying not to go beyond my limits.

    I do feel that my difficulties now are as a result of having to put a lot of effort into doing the same as others do. 

    I am not sure if you are currently off work. If not time off would give you time to consider your options.

  • in reply to Homebird

    Thank-you for the supportive reply, Homebird. And others. I feel just a bit less alone.

    Yes, I am off work. I've always been one to push through, but I had little say in the matter this time round. Do something you enjoy, people tell me. Honestly, I'm not sure what I enjoy anymore. Or who I am, for that matter. I was just what I thought others expected. Since I was a child.

    I'm not entirely sure why it's all happening now at 52. But I suspect it's as simple as it can. My wife isn't going anywhere. I've a secure job. My kids are mostly grown up. I'm not going to starve or be without a roof over my head. No pressing crisis to deal with. And I'm not going back to addiction. So here I am. My work has become central to my identity. But even typing an email or speaking about that causes me to start to twitch and my mind spin.

    Some time ago I attended a mindfulness session with a colleague from work. I remember asking the teacher if relaxing would mean my losing my edge. Everyone laughed, as they throught I was joking. I wasn't.

    As for medical help, it's not been a lot of help tbh. No, I'm not suicidal. And no, I don't feel depressed. I'm exhausted. And I know I look fine. I've spent decades honing that ability. I've made a living out of it, truth be told. But I simply can't do it any more. I can hardly get out of bed. It's hard because the people in my orbit knew someone who wasn't me. Which doesn't make a lot of sense. But it's real.

    Thank-you for sharing.

Reply
  • in reply to Homebird

    Thank-you for the supportive reply, Homebird. And others. I feel just a bit less alone.

    Yes, I am off work. I've always been one to push through, but I had little say in the matter this time round. Do something you enjoy, people tell me. Honestly, I'm not sure what I enjoy anymore. Or who I am, for that matter. I was just what I thought others expected. Since I was a child.

    I'm not entirely sure why it's all happening now at 52. But I suspect it's as simple as it can. My wife isn't going anywhere. I've a secure job. My kids are mostly grown up. I'm not going to starve or be without a roof over my head. No pressing crisis to deal with. And I'm not going back to addiction. So here I am. My work has become central to my identity. But even typing an email or speaking about that causes me to start to twitch and my mind spin.

    Some time ago I attended a mindfulness session with a colleague from work. I remember asking the teacher if relaxing would mean my losing my edge. Everyone laughed, as they throught I was joking. I wasn't.

    As for medical help, it's not been a lot of help tbh. No, I'm not suicidal. And no, I don't feel depressed. I'm exhausted. And I know I look fine. I've spent decades honing that ability. I've made a living out of it, truth be told. But I simply can't do it any more. I can hardly get out of bed. It's hard because the people in my orbit knew someone who wasn't me. Which doesn't make a lot of sense. But it's real.

    Thank-you for sharing.

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