Hello

Hello.

Even though I knew it wouldn't, I think I still sort of hoped being diagnosed last May and understanding things would somehow magically make things better. 

In some ways they have, I got out of burnout, am kinder to myself and solved a lot of the confusion. But, of course I still have the same life. To change requires uncertainty, which is hard. And getting stressed narrows thinking and encourages procrastination.

I think I just have to push a bit and do more things.

Loneliness is strange. You want company but time alone, to go places but not be anxious, to explore but stay at home, to mingle but avoid crowds, to have fun but not push too hard, etc. You want to be sharp but numb, to think but not too much.

Try not to focus on the negatives too much. If I do, I start spiralling, and come up with lots of logical reasons why things won't get better. But I don't know the future, things change, my logic may have errors and my perspective changes. Some days when I have no pressure I feel positive, which shows thinking depends on what mode I am in.

You just have to hang on in the bad bits and wait for feeling good to return in a few days, or sometimes a few hours. I wish I could hold a consistent frame.

Hello.

Even though I knew it wouldn't, I think I still sort of hoped being diagnosed last May and understanding things would somehow magically make things better. 

In some ways they have, I got out of burnout, am kinder to myself and solved a lot of the confusion. But, of course I still have the same life. To change requires uncertainty, which is hard. And getting stressed narrows thinking and encourages procrastination.

I think I just have to push a bit and do more things.

Loneliness is strange. You want company but time alone, to go places but not be anxious, to explore but stay at home, to mingle but avoid crowds, to have fun but not push too hard, etc. You want to be sharp but numb, to think but not too much.

Try not to focus on the negatives too much. If I do, I start spiralling, and come up with lots of logical reasons why things won't get better. But I don't know the future, things change, my logic may have errors and my perspective changes. Some days when I have no pressure I feel positive, which shows thinking depends on what mode I am in.

You just have to hang on in the bad bits and wait for feeling good to return in a few days, or sometimes a few hours. I wish I could hold a consistent frame.