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Hello - This is me, I'm new

Trying2bme

Hope all is well.  I was assessed Autistic at 50 which was partly a relief that my struggles from young girl to womanhood were real and validated a lived experience.  It took me about 25 years or more of digging, reading and researching as to why life seemed so difficult to reach to being assessed in 2026.  Everyone seemed to have the manual to life but mine seems to be missing.  Socialising for me is a game where I do not know the rules.

At this point I am trying to work out what next? There is a grief of things I have done to fit in, be liked or try not to appear weird.  Thinking about it leaves me feeling ashamed, embarrassed and remorseful for those I may have hurt and angry with those who made me feel unworthy.

From my Profile:

HOBBIES: I like knitting, sewing, making jewellery with metal clay and wire work.  Love taking pictures of flowers. Love learning something new - I will attend courses that spark my interest at a College or any Life Long Learning Centre

CULTURE: Love live music (to a certain point) from around the world, some films directed by Tim Burton, Star Wars and Star Trek

TRAVEL: Like to travel however only a few days need to return home not that adventurous.

Please be gentle I am still learning, healing  and trying to survive in a world that feels unsafe.

If you read this thank you.

  • From a fairly young age I learnt to make my "weirdness" into a possitive rather than a negative, it's part of who I am so I stopped fighting it and engaged with it. People now accept me or they don't, I'm happy either way, as long as they engage with me authentically. I found the last thing I needed was people criticising me all the time, it made the world feel tight and small and I couldn't breathe, I couldn't "fit in", I'm the wrong shape for NT boxes, so whilst I may not have many friends or do many of the things NT's do, I'm happier for it, I can breathe and be me, weird stuff still happens to me, like I fell down a rabbit hole whilst thinking about Lewis Carroll, but people sort of expect that sort of thing from me now and laugh with me not at me.

  • Hi there

    Theres not much I can add to Stuart’s post, but to stress I agree about not letting the guilt take hold and turn inwards to anger at the past. This happened to me after my diagnosis (there were other factors than autism though) and it is taking time and support from my wife and gp to move beyond this. Take your time to understand as much as you can and focus on going forward with the knowledge of who you really are. 

    Im just like you regards travel, I don’t like being away from our home with all the things I rely on in a crisis and indeed every day. It happened to me that post diagnosis, which whilst that big light going on, I stopped trying to fit in, to pretend, and society doesn’t really like this, that I speak my mind, even when this is controversial 

    good luck on your journey 

    Alicw

  • Hello.

    Try not to feel ashamed about the past. You did what you could at the time. All anyone can do is their best, with the information and knowledge available at the time. From inside it is so hard to know what you are supposed to do. The more you try the harder it gets and the rewards don't seem to follow. Trusting people is hard, but doing everything yourself is also hard.

    The identity shift, loss and grief over mistakes, missed opportunities, misunderstandings, etc. are difficult. You may imagine the life you wanted to have, think "if only" and imagine other paths. I kept doing that but it doesn't help. It takes time to accept where you are. To recognise you have done well. Comparing to others paths assumes you had the capacity and capability to walk that path.

    You are on your own journey. Trying to be calm and enjoy some nice things is the goal. If you have one or two people to talk to, it helps 

    Try not to take too much responsibility. There were always other people involved too.

    I think the better you understand yourself the less stressful it is to be you. And do try to relax and be you, not what you think other people want you to be.