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Hello, I’m new and could use your help

Kerrie

I received my diagnosis on Friday 13/02/26 and am relieved to finally have an answer to why I have always struggled with life in general.

For background, I was one of those ‘gifted’ kids, IQ of 174 and expected to do great things. I didn’t. Complicated medical history including cancer (to which I lost an eye) and a  basket load of rare medical conditions requiring 16+ surgeries so far. I work full time clinically in the NHS and this is where the problems are. I’ve been a qualified therapeutic radiographer (treating cancer with radiotherapy) for 18 years and started at a different hospital in November. I have had a really hard time settling in. More than is normal, to the point where about a month ago, I lost the plot and took myself to A&E to keep myself safe. I haven’t been to work since and the thought of the commute (to central London) and having to spend all day with people, lights, sounds, wearing my work persona etc. is causing pure fear and anxiety. I’m terrified I’ll end up in A&E again. Now I’ve had my official diagnosis, I’m starting to understand why, but all I can manage is hiding in a dark room under a duvet. 

In addition, I had a total hysterectomy last year so have been trying to get to grips with the immediate menopause that followed (I’m on HRT).

I’m not sure why I’m writing this. I guess I’m trying to find people who understand and might be able to share some pearls of wisdom? Has anyone been through something similar and can give a little guidance?

Thank you for reading this far, I hope we can be friends.

  • Hello. It's big news. You want to tell people, it's fine. You've not had it easy. But you're still there. 

    Just in case you're feeling weak and think you are broken, don't. You're strong, stronger than you probably think.

    If you're clever, observant, conscientious etc. you can mask better, fit in, do well, have everyone think you're fine, but struggle. Undiagnosed it is hard, you think it's just how it is. You never seem bad enough to think you have real issues. You have to really crash to finally realises and get other people to.

    Although it won't feel like it for a while, this is a turning point. You won't need or want to push so hard.

    You now have permission to stop pushing so hard. You'll probably note a lot of the pressure came from yourself. Probably trying to prove something to yourself, and secretly hoping others would be proud. But it's not enough. The trick is to stop trying so hard, particularly if you people please and have poor boundaries (assuming you know what that means, I didn't until recently).

    It will free up mental power and you will be able to do things almost as well with less than half the effort.

    Trying to sleep better will help immeasurably, but this is easy to say and hard to do. And won't cone till you've reframed, and relieved, the past and got things straight in your head. Try to limit the thinking time if you can, else it'll consume 8+ hours a day. You will have all sorts of thoughts.

    If course knowing why things were hard doesn't change the fact they were hard. All the effort and you were doing life in hard mode. It takes time to accept things.

    Being stressed, because your nervous system is more sensitive, puts you in fight/flight mode, with the sympathetic nervous system active. This heightens senses and shrinks thinking. But you can still think, or think you can, so you don't notice Bs squash it all.

    You need to be nicer and more understanding of yourself. How would you treat someone else in your position. Possibly kinder than treat yourself. Do nothing and don't feel guilty for a while if you can. Make your life as easy as you can. 

    Try not to make any major life decisions till you get a bit more level. You may also be burnt out or skirting close to it. Wait till you feel calm. Then sleep on it for a while before acting. You may find your thoughts swinging around. The urge to hide is defensive, but entirely fine, and a reaction. It shows you are struggling.

    You'll be wanting a magic wand to make things better

    In the last 14 months I've been all over the place. I got diagnosed 9 months ago. It caused substantial grief. But it does get better. I tell you this because it will be hard, and it is hard to believe, and every day seems long. But don't lose hope.

    Good luck. You need to become better at just being, rather than watching yourself and thinking about how to look like your doing ok trying to be normal.

  • Hey Kerrie, sounds like you've been through a lot, and really need to take a moment to look after yourself right now.

    Apart from having to deal with everything else life's thrown at you, you are newly diagnosed, and sounding like you are maybe suffering severe burnout too? This is one time you need to forgive yourself the need for dark, calm and quiet -the longer you can give yourself to down tools and rest, the better equipped you will be to deal with it all. (This in itself is not as easy as it sounds unless you have any support to do this). 
    It might be good to read up on burnout and autistic self care.

    I was listening to a podcast that had a series on the combination of gifted and autistic (or twice exceptional), and it is not an easy combination. It talked about how people often have their difficulties ignored and outshone by their own brilliance, but those difficulties and needing support are still very real. And throw menopause into the mix -I've been trying to read up on it and get more knowledgeable as I'm in my early 40's, and it sounds like autism can get worse with those hormone fluctuations, which might be another exacerbating factor for why it's happening now as well as the new job stress.

    But right now, look after yourself, hide under the duvet if you need to, it is honestly doing you good.  I hope you can get a bit longer off from work -I know from personal experience how hard and how long it takes to recover from burnout.  

    I hope you can learn to love all the spikey parts of yourself, and hope to maybe hear more from you.

  • Hey Kerrie! Pretty new here too. Welcome. 

  • Hi   and welcome to our community. I am relatively new here and I am another gifted kid who struggled later on. 

    I was diagnosed as autistic and ADHD last summer so I can still remember how I felt when diagnosed - validated, relieved, unsettled and upset about not knowing sooner. Does this resonate at all? It takes time to assimilate and re-code the past and to find a way forward. Be compassionate with yourself and move at the speed of trust.

    I am sorry for what you are going through right now, which sounds really tough, after all you have already been through healthwise. It may be worth you reading about autistic burnout, given what you describe. I have been going through that. I can imagine London life can overwhelm.

    It is important we find our tribe as newly diagnosed people. Folks on here seem diverse, thoughtful and interesting so I am sure you'll find friends here - joining and posting is a great start.