Late diagnosed wife

I (NT) have been married to my wife for nearly 38 years, trying to encourage and work with her throughout that time. I am a lecturer and architect, and my wife does some part-time counselling. As I reflect back over the years I see it has been very hard for both of us, being so different. We have raised two children. Though we have been generally happy I have always longed for deeper and richer communication between us - basically a close friendship. But this has not been possible, and we largely do our own thing.

She was diagnosed with autism three years ago, after which she dived into researching the condition. It has brought her a measure of peace, and she has adapted her lifestyle to better suit herself - more rests, less social engagement. With the diagnosis my hope for enriching in our relationship has gone. In a sense nothing has changed from before the diagnosis, but somehow my enthusiasm for us has gone. I am kind and patient, but I have withdrawn somehow.  

Any advice, or groups I could join to explore further?

Parents
  • Good morning from America, StephenJL!

    That’s great to hear that your wife has found some peace with getting her diagnosis!

    Have you considered couple’s therapy? My wife and I did that last year with a therapist that specialized in Autism and it really helped our communication. It can be difficult to suggest it to your spouse, I get that, but it can be a saving grace for a marriage.

      also brought a lot of good advice, particularly the parallel play point. My wife’s (NT) love language is presence, so when I play my video games at night to restore my own battery I do so near her so that she can feel like we are together. Reading books side by side is a great way of utilizing parallel play without draining each other’s social battery.

Reply
  • Good morning from America, StephenJL!

    That’s great to hear that your wife has found some peace with getting her diagnosis!

    Have you considered couple’s therapy? My wife and I did that last year with a therapist that specialized in Autism and it really helped our communication. It can be difficult to suggest it to your spouse, I get that, but it can be a saving grace for a marriage.

      also brought a lot of good advice, particularly the parallel play point. My wife’s (NT) love language is presence, so when I play my video games at night to restore my own battery I do so near her so that she can feel like we are together. Reading books side by side is a great way of utilizing parallel play without draining each other’s social battery.

Children
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