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Late diagnosed wife

StephenJL

I (NT) have been married to my wife for nearly 38 years, trying to encourage and work with her throughout that time. I am a lecturer and architect, and my wife does some part-time counselling. As I reflect back over the years I see it has been very hard for both of us, being so different. We have raised two children. Though we have been generally happy I have always longed for deeper and richer communication between us - basically a close friendship. But this has not been possible, and we largely do our own thing.

She was diagnosed with autism three years ago, after which she dived into researching the condition. It has brought her a measure of peace, and she has adapted her lifestyle to better suit herself - more rests, less social engagement. With the diagnosis my hope for enriching in our relationship has gone. In a sense nothing has changed from before the diagnosis, but somehow my enthusiasm for us has gone. I am kind and patient, but I have withdrawn somehow.  

Any advice, or groups I could join to explore further?

  • Good morning from America, StephenJL!

    That’s great to hear that your wife has found some peace with getting her diagnosis!

    Have you considered couple’s therapy? My wife and I did that last year with a therapist that specialized in Autism and it really helped our communication. It can be difficult to suggest it to your spouse, I get that, but it can be a saving grace for a marriage.

      also brought a lot of good advice, particularly the parallel play point. My wife’s (NT) love language is presence, so when I play my video games at night to restore my own battery I do so near her so that she can feel like we are together. Reading books side by side is a great way of utilizing parallel play without draining each other’s social battery.

  • I don't have specific advice, but I can see how complex this feels after 38 years. What I've learned is that love and friendship often look different than what we are told to expect.

    You might find it helpful to look into the 'double empathy problem.' It suggests that the lack of communication you feel isn't a deficit in your wife, but a mismatch between two different ways of experiencing the world. Her 'quiet' isn't necessarily a withdrawal from you. For an autistic person, quiet is often where we find our sanctuary.

    If you can find a way to share that sanctuary with her, through 'parallel play' (doing your own thing in the same room) or 'pebbling' (sharing small, low-demand tokens of interest), you might find a close friendship that is built on presence rather than just conversation. It’s a different kind of 'richness,' but it can be very grounding once you stop looking for the 'normal' or 'expected' standard of communication.

    Finally, I'd be careful with 'emotional withdrawing.' While it may feel like a patient response to frustration, it can be very distressing for an autistic person. It can feel like losing your 'safe base,' which may cause her to suffer more, even if that isn't your intention.